Grinding My Days

Letter Eleven of Thirteen

Mail Screened at LCDC

Wednesday,

April 16 2008

After being really nice out the past couple of days the weather appears to have changed, so no outdoor recreation today. That’s okay however because it is giving my muscles a chance to heal from Monday. They (The Guards) moved in what seems like a ton of new workers but I guess it’s only nine, other than those two things not much has happened. I got a letter today from you, there was an award inside for 30 days of not smoking and another novel writing worksheet. I liked both of them but was a little disappointed that there was no note, I guess I can’t be picky and I know that I will be getting more letters. I know that it can get tiresome writing seemingly the same thing every other day but I think whoever is on the other end still enjoys it. I haven’t received a letter from Uncle Mark ever since I sent him one a week or so ago. I wonder if he took something I wrote the wrong way, more than likely he’s just busy like everyone else. It has just started to snow after being grey all day so that’s kind of cool. It’s really coming down but none of it is sticking and I don’t think that it will. I bet it is really beautiful up the canyon but I have to remember that even if I wasn’t in jail I probably wouldn’t be up there anyway. I would most likely be working or driving the hour or so home from work. The days aren’t really moving any faster they are still pretty slow but I suppose that I have gotten used to this “Daily Grind” I guess that is good for now but in general I don’t want to become used to this place. I thinks its more that I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and after three years I am starting to even feel its rays. No probation, no U.A.‘s , no B.A.’s no one to answer to but myself. And even though I am scared or more so anxious I can tell that it will be really good for me. Now everything I do will be for myself, witch will force me to take responsibility for my life instead of just playing the same old game I have been for the past three years. Obviously the whole felony and probation thing has had a negative impact on my life and I can’t help but think and even believe that it has contributed to my social delinquency I.E. Alcoholism, more towards the worse than the better. The people (A lot of recovering addicts included) who say “I have no regrets, not one, everything I have done has made me who I am today, and I have no regrets.” Make me mad, not because they are comfortable with themselves but because they are comfortable lying to themselves. I am not bitter about it, everyone has their own opinion and feelings and that’s fine I just feel that those type of people are a lot less honest with themselves for the sake of appearing well to others. Oh-well everyone has their own way of hiding. Me, I have done plenty but I also think I have done some seeking.

On a different note, one of the guys that got out today “Snagle Tooth” left his books behind and one of them was “On The Road” by Jack Kerouac so I grabbed it. It will probably be a nice break from my philosophy book “Critique of Pure Reason” by Imanuel Kant. I have only read around 100 pages over the past week and while typically liking Kant’s writing I have found this particular work interesting but seemingly overly confusing just for the sake of being confusing, in fact confusing is pretty much the topic. He has been talking about understanding, intuition, perception… and about how thinking about those things lead your mind in circles. So imagine having the idea about being baffled then reading about how being baffled cant be understood and then trying to understand what you just read. Every time I put the book down I question to myself “What!?” followed by “Man, that’s some heavy shit!”

Thursday,

17 April 2008

8:46 P.M.

It is actually closer to 8:36 because for some reason I set the clock ahead, this “trick” has never worked for me. I always know that its ten minuets fast but for some reason it seems to work in here, getting me up and moving in the morning so that I can drink my coffee slightly slower than fast. I no longer wake up totally discouraged looking out the window and saying to myself “I have got to get the fuck out of here!” I guess I don’t exclaim it in my head, I more or less say it real seriously and calmly. That was a bad way to start everyday. I guess it just happened a few days ago but I have started to wake up and say to myself “21, 20, 19…” This is at least a more positive start to the early rising long lasting days that in my current mind set have become synonymous with Jail.

After I put my socks on I hop down from the top bunk and inevitably catch a glimpse of my “Smell Mate” and say to myself “You wired dirty fucker!” I can’t really think of anything or anybody worse to wake up to and have to see every morning but I am sure that they exist. I don’t let that daily repulsion sour my mood for very long and not two minuets from waking it’s gone for nearly 24 hours. I used to return from “work” as if not more discouraged than in the morning look out the window and repeat to myself “I have got to get the fuck out of here.” A hopeless thought that thankfully only plagued my head for a week or so, now I return from work, look out the window and wonder what the weather is like outside. Going outside and exercising really helps my mood. I was out for a couple of hours today playing basketball and working out on the “Jungle GYM” I was totally sore afterwards and it seems like a huge deal just climbing in and out, up and down from bed. I was beat and took a nap from around 5:00 P.M. until 7:00, I am still pretty tired but am in no hurry to exert the energy to climb up into bed. I started to read “On The Road” last night and loved it. I am only like forty or fifty pages into it but  I am  really glad that it found me. It already has me wanting to pick up and leave toNew York, but not hastily, maybe in like a year or so. I was originally going to describe the showers in detail when I sat down to write tonight because I didn’t think I had anything else to write about but apparently I was wrong. I am glad because I am sure that I will do a better job describing them later as apposed to forcing it out tonight.

Erinwrote me a real nice letter in response to one I had written her. It made me laugh and was definite pick me up. She is a real good girl and makes me question why I am so superficial as far as looks, and I don’t even really think that’s it. I’m just not gaga over her, maybe I didn’t give her a fair chance at my heart and not that I am going to or that she would even let me, She is just someone that I am certainly glad I met and being in here has made me appreciate her more than I ever did but probably still less than she deserves. Anyways, I jammed my finger not really really bad but just really bad while playing basketball today and it is kind of bothering me so I am going to give it a rest for tonight.

Sunday,

20 April 2008

5:15 P.M.

It is real easy to find yourself edgy in here, where even though you think you are alright and it’s just another day something is wrong, like your not balanced or balancing everything well enough and at any moment all of the china plates could come crashing to the floor. It feels as though marbles are hunting for my already throbbing heals. Like one false step or one breath not deep enough to shrug a normal life nothing away before I start throwing plates. That’s just how it feels and I think it has a lot to do with how much and what quality of sleep I get. Today has been one of those days, unbalanced from the beginning. I woke up on the same side of the metal cot I do every morning because the North side, presumably the “good side” is a wall of cold concrete with years past of other peoples buggers smeared on it and although there are no good days in here there are better and worse days and it appears that they choose what kind of day I will have before I even hop out of my cot. I was able to sleep at 1:30 P.M. until around 4:30 it was choppy broken sleep but that is the best you can hope for in here. So that helped a little and writing is also helping but I’ll be happier the further today travels into history. All of this has nothing to do with tomorrow (I don’t think) it just happens some days, like the outside world, you have bad days but bad days in here seem to have gone to bad day vocational school and are quite efficient at making the soul miserable. We’ll see maybe I will have a hop to my hurting step tomorrow. Staring at my calendar helps too but I think for the past couple of Sundays I have been looking a week ahead and saying to myself “Well next Sunday I will only have 24 days, 17 days, 10 days left…”

My dreams for the past couple of weeks have sucked. They are not wake up sweating nightmares but I have been dreaming about being in jail and breaking the rules in here and getting in more trouble. They are like normal dreams but along with people and experiences from the past. There are new people, jail people and jail situations. I learned on Discovery channel that dreaming or R.E.M. sleep is when you go through your memories and decide witch ones are important and witch ones are trash. I hope that these recent ones have been mostly trash because despite of knowing what sucks truly is that I don’t want to remember any of this. Maybe those guys who come in and stay all doped up on meds have figured out a good way to zone out the days. It is amazing what people can endure when knowing that there is nothing that can presently be done to change the situation and it is hard to believe that I was facing such a formidable wall of suck so stoically just fifty days ago. It is also weird how you catch yourself used to the sucky-ness. Hearing guys talk about two, five and ten year stents that they have already or are getting ready to serve as “not bad” is a depressing thought that makes me compassionate for them. But I suppose they have no other choice but to get used to it and unfortunately they seem to have done just that. I could never be a judge or on a jury that involved any kind of time whether sixty days in jail or five years in prison. I’d much rather let God, theirs, mine or none be their judge or jury for the power to make someone’s sun set and stay down is too much for me. Anyway tonight I think I will dream about how great all of my past birthdays have been and waking up to a table clothed in love and surrounded by those that I love and love me right back and I will go through those memories and strengthen what you have taught me the most about. Love and what it is and what it takes to be a good mom. If my kids get half of what you have given from their mom then they will turn out better than alright. They will turn out as your caring compassionate grand kids. Good job Mom! And thanks for being such a big part of who I am today. Sorry it got sloppy but the last paragraph was a tear jerker and there is no crying in jail so I scribbled it quickly and just pretended that I was snorting up some buggers instead of fighting back tears.

Love you,

Your turned out better than alright caring compassionate 25 year old loving son,

Thomas

Smell-Mate

 

Letter ten of thirteen to mom from jail          

Mail Screened at LCDC

Saturday

April 12 2008

5:50 PM

Happy Birthday Jon! I guess he had to work today so I haven’t called him yet. I imagine he will get calls from all three of us tonight. He told me he wasn’t going to go out but I bet he did last night or will tonight. He kept telling that he hoped there was snacks in the trinket box you sent.  He also keeps making it seem like he is supper busy but I be he has time to relax, that and I bet that he doesn’t have to “work” as hard as he does. I am sure he is busy but I think that he is playing it up a touch. But it is his birthday so I will let it slide today. I wish I would have been able to get him something but I think he will be surprised and pleased with the cards and letter I sent him.  I will make it up to him next April 12^th.

It has been a pretty slow day for me but my main task of counting down days until none doesn’t seem to be as daunting as it did just ten days ago. I am back on days because 25 days seems less tom me than three and a half weeks.  I am fairly excited to stick around here in the cabin and finish my degree, but then I start to think that I will be missing out on some other great opportunity in New York, Or So-CAL, but really as much as I would love to just pick up and leave I don’t think that that would lead me to the situational future I would like to have. But I have started to talk myself into moving fairly easily. I suppose I could go to school anywhere it just seems smarter or easier to finish what I had started here. I am nervous about work because even though I like the Telecommunications stuff and the money is good witch I need right now, I just don’t want to get caught up with that type of construction work without making progress on a degree.  I guess I just have to except that if I truly want the things that I say I do then I will have to work for them like Jon has and is doing. And as much as I would like it to be “life isn’t all fun and games” and that is what I feel “running” away to New York or So-Cal would be.  On one hand I am still young but enough time has passed and to stretch that out much longer without getting a degree will help to seal my fate as a construction worker. It’s very tuff huh Mom? Oh-well I mainly just want to call you without having a computer interrupt telling you that your son is a jailbird. I think my biggest flaw is being to concerned with what other people who I don’t even know think of me.  I am unsure when or where this insecurity came from but I am sure if I can get over that little hump than everything will work out better than well.

Sunday

13 April 2008 

I started my work week again today and it still after four weeks confuses me into thinking today is Monday. I guess it real isn’t though. Today was a full day but I didn’t come back from the kitchen to the pod all pissed off. I suppose I was actually in kind of a good mood. I know its opposite of what I have said before but I think the nice weather actually helped to brighten my spirits. I was however pretty tired and took a nap after have a cup of coffee and reading some of the paper.

I went outside from 3:30 until 4:00 when the close outdoor recreation for the dinner hour. Outdoor rec. opens again at 7:00 PM if it is nice enough outside. It was really nice and it felt good to shoot some hoops and do some pull ups on the jungle gym. Actually I cant even call them pull ups, I probably look like a fish struggling outside of water. Pull ups are really, really hard! The jungle gym is cool; and I would like to build one at the cabin, there is also a medicine ball to throw around. I am not sure how much it weighs but it is still kind of fun to play around with. Another toy for the cabin if we were to turn it into a “Rocky” training camp,   only ½ but I still feel like I did a lot. When I came inside I continued to work out by doing; pushups, arm dips, sit-ups and leg lifts. Now I am tired again and I think that if it wasn’t for this cup of coffee with hot chocolate mixed in I would be asleep.

I will probably not send this until Tuesday in order to accumulate more pages to boar you with and to get my .41 Cents worth. It’s not that I haven’t been writing it is just I wrote Kristen a fairly long letter, that I hope she shares with you. I spoke with Jon today,  he said that he liked my cards and thought that they were funny, so that is cool, he also said that he loved you snacks! He seemed content and even relaxed so he was much more pleasant to talk to then some of the previous times I had spoken with him. I guess I didn’t call you today and now I am worried that you are worried but I don’t know if I will call tonight or not because the POD is always loud at night and makes me unpleasant so I might wait. Right now I am going to lay down and take another nap. I hope it doesn’t effect my being able to sleep tonight but I am beat.

Monday

14 April 2008

All four of us ( The Bakers) were done by 9:00 or 9:30 when the rest of the kitchen goes back to the POD for break so we were able to go back too.  I probably would have taken a nap but when I walked into my cell it really stunk. I have smelt it before it is my cell mate or smell mate. I am not just being silly it/he really stinks or more so fucking reeks! It is not fort or even B.O. like Ray- B.O. I think it is his hair. It smells like a dirty drain. I don’t know why I don’t notice it when I wake up at 4:30 in the morning, I guess I grow used to it in my sleep.  But when I come back from work I can smell him outside of the door to my cell. It is not fart but it fills the whole room like a fart would.  So anyway I spent the morning outside of my cell trying to be nice and let him sleep witch he does everyday until noon when lunch arrives or on his days off until 5:00 when dinner arrives.  So I went outside from 10:00 until 11:00. We have to come in an hour before each meal arrives. Then I waited until after lunch to head back to my cell. I decided to confront him because there is no reason I should suffer because he doesn’t want to shower. They have rules about hygiene in the jail and  ideally the people in this POD (the inmate workers) would be clean but I guess this guy slipped through the cracks. I honestly think that the last POD he was in including the guards got sick of him  so the sent him here.  If not I would hate to see/smell all of the other inmates were he came from if he is supposedly the “cream of the crop” 

I thought I was pretty nice about it saying,

“Hey dude, you have got to shower somewhat regularly because this cell stinks again!”

He didn’t take it very well and started mumbling and grumbling and even got fairly confrontational, saying that I bitch too much and make all kinds of noise in the morning. I tried to explain to him that I didn’t have a choice about when I had to wake up but he did have a choice about showering. It went back and forth for a little while and I told him that I was trying to be cool by not telling a guard to take care of the smell problem and confronting him first. He grunted

“Go Ahead!”

At this point I had got my point across so I left and he stormed up to the guards desk and apparently told the guard that he wanted to live with someone who didn’t bitch as much. I think the guard told him that we have to get along. I am not sure all I know is what my smell mate told me.  I told him that I have complained once for five minuets when he has stunk the place up for two weeks. We went our separate ways briefly, him at the cell door that I had opened to air the place out and me on my bunk. Around five minuets passed and he apologized for snapping at me and said that he would shower when he got back from work. He tried to blame not showering on not having shampoo last night witch I then excitedly gave him thinking that he was actually going to shower. Witch he didn’t and today was trying to use conditioner as his excuse. If someone doesn’t shower for a week there has got be some other reason than not having conditioner, I think he likes to stink.  Any way even if he does shower tonight I don’t think that anything will change, tomorrow or Wednesday the cell will stink again. I don’t want to tell the guard because I wouldn’t want to be the reason anyone even this guy lost their “good” time but the truth is that this guy shouldn’t even be in this POD. So if it is smelly again I will most likely say something. He didn’t hesitate to run up to the guard and complain about me, witch I didn’t mid because I was hoping the guard would smell him and make him shower right then and there.

Everything I suppose is going well. I went back outside after lunch and stayed out until 4:00 playing basketball using the jungle gym and just lying in the sun. It was really nice today like 70 something, I even think I got somewhat of a sunburn. I slept well last night and had no trouble falling asleep and I think tonight will be the same from all of the activity and the sun. I may take a nap now

Anyways sorry this letter is as good as some of the previous ones, I think I screwed it up by mailing two last week and also maybe I am kind of sick of writing about my cell mate but he is really the only thing bothering me. Oh-well  23, 22, 21…  Anyways I enjoyed speaking with you last night and I love you a ton!

Your almost 25 year old  Son,

Tom

Thug Mug

Letter Nine of Thirteen to mom from jail

Mail Screened AT LCDC

Monday

04-07-0-8

5:20 PM

Without anything exciting to write about I thought I would stick with describing some of the county issued utensils in here. You have already heard about the sporks and I believe that I covered most of their varieties.  Another item is the mug of witch I mentioned two of the tree types; the supper crapy  6oz Styrofoam, the crapy 6oz plastic in black or vanilla, and the coveted “Thug Mug” in brown or Vanilla. The Thug Mugs are made of a thicker less brittle plastic and seem to hold more liquid maybe 8oz’s but I am not sure.  The look less crapy and help to keep warm beverages warm for a longer period of time. So walking around with it I feel as though I have moved up in this society. Not really. There are many ways to acquire a Thug Mug most dishonestly but I am proud to say I got mine opposite of that. Because these mugs are sought after you have to watch it as closely if not more so than your spork. Most inmates mark theirs in some way, mainly with the squiggly stickers that are the edges left over from  a book of stamps. I haven’t marked mine yet and I haven’t seen anyone who has marked theirs with an actual stamp but I am undecided if I should mark mine in such a way for fears of it being blatant. Stating “hey” I have enough to through stamps away” I wonder what my Irish buddy would advise me. I told Kristen about him in a letter, He reminded me of the crazy guy in “Brave Heart” He was taken to prison this morning for an F5 Criminal Trespass. In addition to the Thug Mug there is a bowl, however these are only obtained from Canteen and only by luck for most of them are flimsy. These bowls are even more rare than the mugs. I am the proud owner of both! My Irish buddy hooked me up…

Anyway, it was off and on snowy today. It looks beautiful outside even tho my only view is that of a dock of an industrial building. None of the snow stuck but for awhile it was really coming down. A good evening for warm tea. Work had been business as usual and we finished early at 9:00 AM and I thought that we would get to go back to the pod so I got my hopes up for that only to find out that a deliver truck was here and needed to be unloaded. So most everyone in the kitchen myself included stood around for two hours only to watch four others bring in two or three carts into the freezer. I unfortunately let that sour my mood. Right before we were going to “Roll the Line”  (i.e) load all of the trays with food for the other inmates in the jail) a Code was called and we were all sent back to the pod and locked down.

This lockdown didn’t last long maybe twenty minuets and then the kitchen staff was sent back to finish lunch. The other three bakers and myself took the opportunity to stay in the pod by playing the baker card. I guess there are some benefits to this “profession”

There were contractor in the pod today installing conduit and wires for cameras. It was exactly the type of work I typically do. It didn’t really excite any emotions in me other than thinking how quickly the tides can change. I think I have kind of numbed myself to thinking too much about the near future meaning this up coming year or so, for it gets me uneasily anxious so I try to just focus on just getting out of here in the next month. I think the smartest thing for me to do would be to stay here and finish my degree so long as I could stay out of trouble, But first thing is to get out of here and remain moderately optimistic about my future.

Wednesday

04-09-08

5:30 PM

I was able to get a hold of Kristen  earlier and that helped my spirits. I haven’t been too terribly down I just wake up bitter and find myself cursing others under my breath for what I consider to be stupid. Or cursing them because their breath stinks! How can some one go a week let alone thirty days without brushing, hasn’t anyone told this guy what his toothbrush is for? My mouth feels disgusting after just one meal. There is something about the food that makes it coat your teeth and mouth in a slick substance, I think I have talked about that before.

It was raining and started to hail when I was talking to Beak 4:30 my time 6:30 her time  3:30 your time and I don’t think that Jon has a time. I feel bad I haven’t been as diligent writing these journals everyday but I wrote Jon last night and mailed off his two birthday cards and a real letter. I was just trying to be funny through the whole thing and wish that I would have been able to write something more meaningful to wish him happy birthday. But I guess I wasn’t in the mood last night plus I don’t think he really likes that sappy stuff, but I still wanted to let him know that I love him and that he is a great older brother so maybe you can just pass that on for me.  I told him that I was glad that he wouldn’t only be able to open his box of trinkets but mine as well. Trinkets Galore!

I think what has me in a funk is just what I am going to do when I get out. I kind of feel like all eyes are already on me. Not necessarily to screw up because I know that every one just wants the best for me, but it just seems as though now that I have been in here everyone has a worse opinion of me and are just playing the waiting game to start the gossip chain again. I don’t mean you and I am just being selfish thinking that “everybody” is out there thinking of me every second. It just seems that like for the first time life is not all fun and games. Why didn’t someone tell me earlier? Why didn’t I listen? I don’t want to listen but then I think of you and how much you have sacrificed for Jon Kristen and let alone me. It makes me want to help but knowing that I cant and wont be able to for awhile starts bothering me more. Its all quite overwhelming huh mom? How do you do it? I think both of us need more friends, real ones and more fun thing to do to keep us away from over worrying. Then all of that gets me worried as well. I don’t want to meet anyone new, I just want to sit in the living room with my already made/made up friends. Great so I got the Alcoholic and socially inept genes from Dad. I think that my time in here has been my most social in years, not because I am meeting new people and having fun but because I am always around them, there is no retreat and that has a bittering effect. I think me and Jon or anyone really would have come to blows by now had we had to live in such close quarters, so on top of each other. Its like having a roommate you don’t like times 100 then add the watchful eye of “god”  just waiting for you to sin. i.e  (forgetting to empty your trash can on inspection day)

Man its going to be nice to see something different than the oxymoronically calming blue cinder block walls and clanging metal doors. Its like smiling and nodding when the lady grunts and says “this should have been done hours ago!” and screaming fuck! Inside still smiling and nodding. I remember the first couple of weeks I was in here I read that “Mans Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankle who was a holocaust survivor and telling myself that I am not really suffering and I am really not but Fuck! This must be what its like being so pissed off at your kids that you just want to throw them across the room but you cant. You have to breath the bitter air and remain well beyond patient. Even when I find myself in a “good” mood I soon punish myself and ask what are you so happy about? Wow, I guess that’s what happens when I don’t write these journals daily. My emotions just pile up and ferment until  I distil them threw my pen. Sorry mom I didn’t want this to be a worry downer letter I am actually fine I just needed to tell someone before my mind blew up like an illegal still in the woods. I wonder what the cops would do, I am sure they have seen it before and I don’t need to so I will just smile and nod.

 Oh yeah, back to the “Mans Search for Meaning” book the author said that suffering wasn’t in the body or mind remaining in one spot  but more like gas in a chamber spreading out through the whole space. I know that is not a happy thought but if it works for suffering than it must work for its opposite. So let both let whatever good things we have like each other spread throughout our bodies, minds and souls and I bet that all of that happy will drown out the “suffering” and worrying thus giving our chambers a breath of fresh air.

6:40 PM

Oops! I forgot this page too! So I will use it to tell you that I love you! And to thank you for “having my back” as the young hip kids are saying. The last letter I got from you was supper funny. You should send out an urgent email stating that you just broke the 5,000 email mark and that you will be “away” for a couple of days while you let them replicate onto your PC over your dial up connection Raja Butallywana at the IBM help desk wasn’t so helpful. Then use that time come up with more joke emails about not know what a server is. Anyways Mom thanks for writing. Despite what my letters may say I am fine. I love you and cant wait to see your kooky porch.

Love,

 Tom

P.S.

This is only four pages but I am board tonight and want an excuse to write up an envelope and send some mail out. Plus It will be interesting to see when (what day of the week) you get this. I am guessing Tuesday the 15^th six or so days from now. Anyway holler at you later!

Pull A Rambo on your ass!

Letter Eight of Thirteen to Mom From Jail

Mail screened at LCDC

Tuesday

1 April, 2008

2:00 PM

Work has been okay the past two days mainly because we have been getting out at 9:30 AM instead of the usual 12:30 PM, Believe it or not it makes a huge difference in my mood for the rest of the day.  It may however be a false sense of contentment for a lot of people actually only like four or five are getting out and I think I am either happy for them or I have tricked myself into thinking that I am leaving soon as well.

The cell mate I have had for the past week was here when I left for work and gone when I returned and I now have a new one. I had been on the bottom bunk the first two nights I was in here (Jail) and from then on I was on the top bunk for the forty some other days. I was moved to the bottom again today. I was and remain somewhat disappointed in the change. Everybody else meaning the four or so other inmates and the guard that I spoke to said most people like the bottom bunk and those that made the change probably thought they were doing me a favor.  Thanks Guys! I already miss the window view and staring at the ceiling as apposed to the metal frame of someone else’s bed. Damn! I haven’t tested it out yet, I am Protesting! It looks too cramped and Closter phobic.  Plus I am not sure how it will effect my sit-ups, Damn!

I had been running short on paper or at least I thought I was. Around twenty sheets or four stamps worth. So I ordered more today and also one of the guys who is getting out “Hulsey” a previous cell mate of mine gave me what he had left because he knew that I like to write. Only like five sheets but it was still nice of him.

Don’t tell Jon but I also ordered two birthday cards for him for $1.50 each. I haven’t ever seen them but I just happened to notice them on the “canteen” list this morning. I hope they fit in a regular envelope otherwise I wont know how to mail them. I ordered one Spanish one, I thought I could make some kind of jail joke as to why it was in Spanish, but that’s kind of cool huh? 28? Uh-oh! He was supposed to take the Bronco to an appointment yesterday at 4:00 I haven’t been able to get a hold of him for the past two or three days, I mainly hope that it wasn’t too hard on him, there goes the pen! Cool completely 100 maybe even 102% dead! Cool! I also ordered another pen today it should get here Friday morning, good thing that I had two. I want to keep the empty one for sentimental reasons but a clutter person would certainly have me toss it so I probably will but I will have some kind of ceremony for it like flushing a dead fish down the toilet.

I received two more letters from uncle mark, one from Paul and one from you. Big mail day so that was cool. Paul’s are sarcastic and funny, Mark’s are funny and serious English lessons and yours are heartfelt and funny not preachy as you sometimes express concern for.  I laughed out loud at the idea of your clay-mation people demanding through the glass to “Let Thomas go!”  Thanks mom I love you!

The weather here has been crazy from the little bits of it that I can see, Colorado snow to sunshine in minuets. Thirty some days isn’t bad its just when I think that I am only half way done with my sentence that it makes it seem longer, so I have to stop that and get rid of the only.

I got the pictures that you sent and they are great but the stupid red stamp that say Screened at LCDC bleed of the back of “the beach landscape” and all over the other, “you and Beak” Damn-it! I want to complain and probably could with a good result meaning whoever stamps the mail waiting for the ink to dry before putting it all back together, but I am always to shy to ask for anything and prefer to just be pissed. If it happens again I will complain. Is that your beach, or a different one? It’s Rocky!

Wednesday

2 April 2008

8:50 PM

I just got in from outside around 45 minuets ago, so I guess its not just getting but I am just now catching my breath. I had been playing 21 a basketball game with five other guys, I wasn’t very good but it was still fun. The object is to be the first to 21 baskets, my top score was four. I hadn’t been planning on going outside and was kind of pressured into it and with me being passive I didn’t put up a good enough argument to stay inside. I was extremely tiered when I got back in and probably could have fallen asleep for the night but tonight is my night to do a chore. I chose sweeping and mopping the pod. It is easy enough it just that I have to wait until 11:00   to start so I am now drinking a cup of coffee but still don’t think I will have any trouble falling asleep after I finish my chore because for some reason I am really tired tonight even before playing 21.

I had been fairly content Reading Aristotle’s “Politics” but kept getting interrupted by bored people who wanted to talk. It is nice to talk to people but I don’t really like listening to stories even though I am or at least can appear to be a good listener even if I am thinking or saying something completely different than what I am thinking about. I don’t feel too bad about that for I am not really trying to make friends but I guess some others are.  It is easier or more “fun” having people to converse with but it does seem that you have to be cautious as to what you say and who you say it to for gossip travels faster in here than it does amongst a group of teenaged girls.

It was crazy how nice the weather was outside it was warmer out there than it is in here at 8:00 PM but being all boxed in it doesn’t really feel like outside. I guess in my head I have just been pretending that it is still February and even if it looks nice and sunny it is still cold.

One more day of work and I then I am off for two but I don’t need the break as badly as I did last week because for the past few days we have been done by 9:30 AM. I took a nap today from around 1:00 to 3:00 PM but was still tired, maybe from my book or maybe from the lack of cardiovascular activity over the past forty days and actually even over the last year or so. That’s crazy that that is the most activity I have done outside of work for years. I didn’t have a heart attack and was able to breath al be it heavily throughout the 45 minuets of running around. I think that is was probably good for my lungs to get some “fresh air” into their depths as apposed to smoke.

Anyway I am going to shower in the tiny 2×2 metal box with a power hose nozzle for the shower head and then struggle to stay awake as I read my dry but only book until I can do my chore then I will crash only to wake again some four or five hours later.

Thursday

3 April 2008

7:20 PM

I got a new cell mate today, the guards bring them over in groups of four or so and every one that is in the pod and not at work watches to see who moves into where.  At first it appeared that I wasn’t going to get one but one of the new guys had gone upstairs then came strait back down.  By that time I was no longer paying attention until one of the guys at the table I was sitting at grabbed my attention and pointed to the guard inside of my cell. I thought I was going to get into trouble for my third blanket was just thrown on top of my bed instead of being neatly folded at the foot of it.  I went to my cell and respectfully addressed the officer. He asked me if I could do him a favor and move to the top bunk. I said sure and explained to him that I liked it up there better. So I moved my stuff crappy mattress and all up to the top bunk and left the room only to watch my new cell mate move in and make is bed.  I guess I was pretty judgmental from the get go and had hoped for any of the other new guys mainly because of how he looks. He has breast length bleached hair and an ornate mustache, He is scary looking not in a big mean guy way but in a crazy weird scary guy way. He looks like Nate if Nate was three feet shorter and had a beaten up body presumably from drugs but who knows. He has Knives Tattooed on his forearms and not nicely done but home or crappy prison tattoos of not pocket or table or even steak knives but of big Rambo knives. He is of an extremely small stature an even I could take him if I ever needed to witch I am sure I won’t for if I take him anywhere it will be to the medical cart for he seems sickly.  Is it still wrong to be judgmental of prison people? I guess so for I am starting to realize how close I have actually come to going a few times now but still this guy looks the part or at least one of the stereo typical parts. Actually he looks like a 65 year old alcoholic who is actually on 35. A look into one of my many possible futures, I suppose. I actually don’t know much about him other than he will be here until June and most likely will be my cell mate until I get out. I now wish that he was a short timer and that the quick turnaround with the cellmates I have had would continue.  Why couldn’t I just get a “normal” guy!? He actually seems nice in a weird guy way. I think it is because he is all drugged up on psyche meds as he told me in a soft weird way.  Med Rounds come around 7:00 and the nurses hadn’t brought his meds from his previous pod (Two South) a pod that I haven’t heard great reviews about. So I haven’t asked him what happens if he doesn’t take his meds and I don’t really want to find out. He said that he takes like four different kinds and the nurses would be back around 10:30 to give them to him. Is that soon enough?

The whole situation is kind of funny because just the other day (Tuesday) I asked Kristen who she thought was around more crazy people between the two of us. I think I got my answer a couple of hours ago. I don’t want to be superficial and judgmental because I know that mental illness is a real thing but why couldn’t I just get a normal cell mate? Anyway he seems really nice but has already scattered bible stuff all over the desk, I don’t mind him having or being into that stuff, I just like the desk to be clear without me having to touch that stuff, not for fear of being struck down I just don’t like it right in my face telling me that I am naïve

So other than all of that everything is about the same. My spirits are high for the most part save the occasional worries about what the hell I am going to do when I get out. I have my top bunk back and it is my weekend whatever that means. I think it just means that I will read a lot and sleep in.   

Saturday

April 5, 2008

7:30 PM

I had forgotten to use this page so I thought I could use it now for the math problem you had proposed to me.

Once ounce of mail cost $.41 cents or one stamp 9 sheets of paper, envelope, ink and stamp equal $.58 cents fourteen sheets 9 with ink and 5 with tiny staples equal 2.2 ounces or $.75 cents.

How many ounces per sheet?

How many sheets with ink per stamp?

I am pretty sure that my math is faulty but it appears that each sheet with ink weighs aproxementally 2/10^th of an ounce (.154oz  per sheet) allowing for six sheets of my chicken scratch on both sides per .41$ stamp or ounce. Each sheet costing just under .07$ cents to mail anywhere within the continental United states. So one through six sheets require one stamp Six to twelve sheets needing two stamps to reach there addressee  and so on…  I(  think you can check my math by dividing 1.4 by .58, it should be around .154? sorry no calculators in here…

Friday

April 4, 2008

7:35 PM

Well I was trying to decide what I was going to write about tonight or more so what I was going to start with for I normally write about the whole day anyways. I didn’t want to and wasn’t even going to mention my new cell mate but he just tried to “jack” my spork! It may have been an accident, he did miss his meds again this morning but I feel like it was intentional and now I am weary about all of my stuff. The spork isn’t the best thing I have but it is still pretty important in here.  It is not the spork that I had originally received while in intake it is actually the third.

When you first arrive  after Booking where they take your finger prints and now a retna scan, they move you to Intake where they watch your behavior to see if you are going to hurt yourself or someone else or if you are crazy or not. If deemed sane then after three or four days you are move to General population (GP) If deemed crazy then you are off to 2South, I was able to trick them and was sent to GP. This is where you receive three wool blankets, a sheet a pillow case a mattress cover along with a crapy plastic coffee cup that contains a small tube of toothpaste (Fresh Mint) a toothbrush also crapy, The “Maximum Security” crapy soap I mentioned a  previous letter and the coveted orange Spork.   I pulled mine out for no particular conscious reason and noticed its poor condition. It only had one prong and had been chewed flat resembling more of a tiny beach shovel than any kind of eating device. I thankfully found the courage to ask the guard for different one and he reluctantly exchanged it for one that was in much better condition. I actually didn’t receive a crappy platic coffee cup at that time, it was a tiny take out Styrofoam one, even crappier!  But back to the Sporks,  this better spork became one of my possessions and I took care of it for I remember my first experience in jail that it really sucks if something happens to it.  My first go around in here I had left my spork on my first dinner tray and never saw it again. But anyway this spork was with me for two or three weeks I cant really remember but I know it made it to South Frank with me for I remember want ting to write all about how while “cutting” with this device witch is more like just pushing and wiggling on the side of a bigger piece of “meat”  until a piece breaks free, my beloved spork snapped in two. I was upset on the inside but tried not to show it by begrudgingly finishing my meal with the remaining stub of my friend.

After finishing my meal I brought the two pieces of it to the guard and respectfully requested another one, he took them and said he would see what he could do.  A little bit later in the day I noticed a stack of sporks on the desk and became upset but not angry or surprised that I hadn’t received a replacement for that is just how it works in here. You have to be patient and just wait. I revieved my replacement latter that evening and luckily it was one of the “good” ones witch only means it is not mangled with someone or who knows how many others teeth marks. I washed it the best I could with my Maximum Security by advice of the guard and after a meal or two I once again had a spork that I considered mine.  That Brings us back to tonight and the attempted “grand theft spork”. Earlier tonight during laundry service my cellmate had left his supper crapy spork out on one of the day room tables witch is not advised if you care about it for that is how you loose it. Anyways both of us were making out evening drink, him coffe and me tea, I stepped out to use the Litter Box while my tea steeped.  When I returned to the cell it was empty and I noticed my spork on his side of the shelf with his stuff and his crapy spork was next to my cup as if it were mine. Nice try, the two are easily identifiable in crapyness so that even a toddler could tell witch one was better.

There are two types of sporks that I have noticed in here and then varying degrees of defects to those types that determine the crappyness. The two types are of crappy and less crappy. The crappy one being of a darker orange color with only one tong and the less crappy being a lighter orange although seemingly more brittle then the crappy has two tongs. I am glad that there is such a disguisable difference between the two for I have concer about my cell mates hygiene who I have seen gumming my spork.  His tooth brush hasn’t moved from where he placed it since he moved in, I know because there is a piece of brown something stuck on it that would have moved hd the brush been used, plus he still has the toothpate that they give to you wile in intake. When you leave intake you get a different kind of toothpaste and this guys says he has been in here since the beginning of march. This helps to show how I have been trying my best in this seven by ten foot cell took keep my distance form this guy, for I yet to notice his most certainly bad breath.

So I had taken a break from writing this and when I returened to my cell I saw that one of my multi-vitamins was missing from my pack. I know because it was missing from the middle of the thirty day supply and as I written about before I take them in order helping me to count the days, all of this is just to convenient to be a mix up. And now I feel like I have to watch all of my thing like a hawk wich will be impossible while I am at work this weirdo is lurking around in the only place in this place that I get any personal space. Shit! It makes me me more mad about all the God stuff and “Character First” stuff he has scattered all over MY desk.

Saturday

April 5, 2008

8:00 PM

I just worked out the math problem you had sent me.  I think I figured it out but I am not to sure for I am not to good with decimals and fractions that seem to be the key components of the stamp problem. I volunteered to work today but only for the lunch shift 11:00 AM to around 1:00 PM. All I did  was through/place salt packets on trays as they rolled by me on a line accumulating something different from someone different along their way to different PODS. Today we had hotdogs, So one guy pulls a tray from a rack and places them  on another rack another inmate then grabs from that stack and place the trys one by one onto the rolling line using each try as a tug boat to push the previous. So; Bread, two hot dogs, salt (that’s me!) pepper, beans, two sugars, ketchup and mustard, all over the previous and a cookie and then stacked and counted again before being placed  onto a cart bound for one of the Pods… It is total dummy work and I don’t feel much like going into a more elaborate description of the line right now… The important part is that I got six hot dogs!  Yum! I guess.

Anyway I am going to hop into the shower and try to mentally prepare for the week ahead if that is possible.

Sunday

6 April, 2008

9:00 PM

Hey Mom here is last weeks happenings, sorry for the short entry tonight, my hand and eyes are tired from writing other people back, mainly just Erin. Don’t worry nothing  too exciting happened today other than speaking with you on the phone and you were apart of that so… Anyways hang in there…

                                                                                    Love,

                                                                                                TAH

Baking Away My Current Life

 Letter Seven of Thirteen to Mom from Jail

Mail screened at LCDC

 

Monday

24, March 2008

5:15 PM

Well I guess I have a cell to myself again for the meantime anyway. My cell mate apparently got fired for eating food in the kitchen that he wasn’t supposed to. He didn’t tell me that is just what I heard. It will be nice to have my own cell but I imagine that it will not be for very long. I guess the jail is pretty full right now and I am sure that there are other trustees that have been approved and waiting to come on over here. I had thought that Tim would be my cellmate up until I would get out but this just shows how anything can happen in here. He had been fairly sloppy and I found my self cursing him earlier today for that but we still got along alright. Now I run the risk of getting somebody worse, oh great! I don’t want to meet anybody new and “get to know him” let alone live with him. The cell does seem oddly empty now.

 

There was only two of us “bakers” at work today as apposed to the normal four, the other two were supposedly sick and for one of them it is only his second day. I too am sick… It went okay however with me only getting flustered towards the end of our shift around 12:00 PM I didn’t think that we would finish all of our work by 12:30 and then be forced to stay until around 6:00. We got out okay though, Whew! We had made vanilla pudding first thing in the morning and put it in the freezer to cool in time for tonight’s dinner. Well I forgot all about it until I got my dinner tray tonight with cherry Jello as a desert. It probably froze solid! Ops, hope I don’t get fired for a simple mistake causing me to loose my good time (fingers crossed.)  The kitchen is all out of baking powder and as it turns out that it is a pretty important ingredient for baking. None of the kitchen managers seem to be as concerned as I am about it, maybe because they don’t have to care about what the other inmates say about crappy cakes. Or they know that there is nothing they want to do about it right now and if they get too many complaints they can just blame it on an inmate baker and sub sequentially fire him. Geese… So I did as I was told and baked without it. The cookies I am told taste just fine they just didn’t “fall” and hence look like mushroom caps, great big Portabella ones. The cakes on the other hand didn’t rise at all and turned into this dense rubbery stuff that you would expect to find on a playground or something of the sort.

 

Dan Quin, my lawyer called just to inform me that the “no early release” that the judge had written on my sentencing paper work did in fact just mean that I could not be let go early no matter how full the jail is or gets.  It is as I expected after asking a deputy a few days ago but it is still nice to have that fact confirmed. I am however still waiting for my “Out Date”

 

Thursday

25, March 2008

5:15 PM

 

Another long day in the bakery today, the manager makes it seem as though it is my fault that the supplies are running out. The things to make keep on coming but the ingredients have run out. The cakes that we made yesterday for today’s breakfast were just thrown out for they were nothing more then a dense pieces of rubber like my crappy shoes only a little bit softer. Thirty five more cakes were to be made today but nobody could give a strait answer as to what to do until the last minuet. It went from making no cake to me figuring out what we needed for the next three days of baking. Flour, baking powder and yeast… Fuck how did I fall into this position? Some inmates jobs are as easy as putting the “Inmate Mail” stamp on every letter that goes out. That seems pretty strait forward and hard to screw up but this bakery job has me fearing of being fired for things that I have no control over. So I looked at the menu for the next three days and took a guess as to what and how much we would need in order to keep churning out cookies and cakes, a very important part of every inmates meal. How am I supposed to convert fourteen buckets of flour to pounds!?

 

I got your letter today and it had that kitchen equivalency chart on it. Sixteen ounces per pound… Is that just a coincidence? Anyhow it doesn’t have the reused cottage cheese bucket to pounds conversion that I so need. Damn. The small calendar on the other side of the conversion table which I am sure was the reason you sent it all makes the whole year seem small. So pretty much by guessing I came up with something like; 450 ounces of yeast, fifty cups of baking powder and 1,200 pounds of flour! That is a ton for three days but I am still somewhat worried that we will run out but not until Friday and that is my day off. I think that it should and most likely is somebody else’s job to keep track and order all of that stuff. So after turning in my recommendations I was told that someone was out buying what I had “ordered” and that I would be called back to the kitchen to make the 35 cakes for dinner and breakfast fifteen and twenty respectfully. I was thankfully able to get back to the pod from the kitchen but had that worry of being ordered back until about a half an hour ago when dinner arrived with two crappy store bought cookies instead of cake. Whew! It is hard to tell just what they can make you do in here for they literally have a captive work force. I truly feel that I may have one of the hardest jobs in this place with the same amount of benefits; good days, a soda and candy bar on Fridays if the pod passes inspection. I know that it has been awhile since you sent and even I received that Newsweek follow up about addiction but I just read it last night. I thought all of the feed back to be really good and really agree with how the family needs to be apart of the recovery process. Believe it or not I had been really excited to bring you and or Beak to the weekly Wednesday family nights of my I.O.P. (Intensive Out Patient Program) but it was unfortunately canceled the week that you guys would be back for Christmas. Anyways thanks for the article, Newsweek always has cool covers.

 

After work I was pretty stressed so I decided to treat my self to a Diet Pepsi from my canteen. It didn’t hit the spot then but it is now! I am always so tired around 2:00 PM that I end up falling asleep four a couple of hours, I guess that is a good thing. On another completely different subject; You know those clear BIC pens where you can see how much ink is left? Well that is the kind that I am writing with and as you can probably tell it is black… Anyways, you know how those pens “run out of ink” even when you can still see it? In addition you never find one completely empty, anywhere ever! The closet to empty I have ever seen one was on your desk but even it was only lowered not empty.  Well this one that I am currently writing with is almost completely out. There is only like a quarter of an inch left of visible ink that is covered by my fingers while writing, so that is pretty exciting as far as stupid little things go! I will let you know when it is truly empty but most likely you will be able to tell on a future page when the words begin to fade and circling imprints begin to appear  in the margins trying to get every last drop. I still have my secondary “backup” pen but I will wait to use it until absolutely necessary. I was sorry to hear that this new account of  yours will be hard but from what I have seen is that you are the ring leader and I am still impressed as to how you handled all of the “lions” over the phone. Good Job Rosie! I am hanging in there but time still drags! I just have to keep reminding myself that when I am finally out that I will be completely free and be able to visit you and Beak. I can’t believe that I have yet to see you “new” place. I can totally picture your kooky porch and love it! I can’t believe that you haven’t had your DVD player hooked up yet, I am glad that Kristen could help with that meanwhile making sure that HBO still works. I miss my T.V. Friends. I think I miss Brian Williams the most. Watching the nightly news in your Rosecrown living room always reminded me of you and I would always think to my self that “Hey mom is probably watching this right now too!” It was cool, I felt like you were in the rocking chair with a glass of milk watching with me. 

 

 

Wednesday

26 March 2008

5:55 PM

 

Today’s work proved to be even worse than yesterday had been. It was only me and one other guy as bakers but I like him, he is the best out of all of the other bakers. We were doing fairly well but knew from the beginning that it was going to be a long day. Apparently some one did buy supplies from the store but instead of baking powder they bought corn starch, not too sure how you screw that up. I suppose they are both white. So that made for the same scenario as yesterday were someone was going to ot buy it and that “They were on their way.”  We weren’t able to go back to the pod after lunch for we were busy making dinner cookies, we were supposed to have cake but once again no baking powder. Anyway the powder did finally arrive at the kitchen around 2:00 PM and we immediately started to make 28 pans of “Cina Cakes” These are regular cakes with the exception of the loads of melted butter and sugar we place on top. I guess these are a favorite among the inmate population. I never really liked cake and after today I hate it. So all of the 28 cakes made a huge mess but we finished them. We got back to the pod around 4:30. Twelve hours on my feet in supper crappy shoes, they hurt, I am tired. I definitely think that being a baker is the worst job in the whole jail. Just one more day and then I can sleep in. Tomorrow will be fun as well for I am pretty sure that we will run out of sugar and I am sure that somehow it will be my fault.

 

I got my out date with good time last evening. It is the 7th of May without my good time it would be the 28th. My job sucks, only forty or so more days or really only thirty counting the weekends. I wouldn’t mind the job so much on the outside but being completely at their mercy is killing me. I think I may put in a request to bed reclassified. There are three levels and right now I am a one meaning Kitchen. Two is Laundry and three is maintenance, trash guys and facility sweepers… I think that I was originally made a one because I had not yet been sentenced. So I am hoping now that I have been I can get an easier job. I will miss out on the double trays but I will most likely miss out on the twelve hour days as well. I think that is fair enough, I just don’t want to get fired and loose my good time.

 

Friday

28 March 2008

7:20 PM

 

So today is “payday” a pop and a candy bar for all of our hard work over the past week. The Soda is a regular Pepsi the candy tonight was either a Mars bar or a Twix. I chose the Twix last week and actually still have it as well as the Pepsi. It turns out that I am actually pretty good at moderation, in here anyways… I still have six of my fourteen soups, twelve of twenty bags of tea, one of two bottles of hot sauce and a full bag of Atomic Fire Balls, and I actually still have a Snickers bar and one pack of Grandmas peanut butter cookies from the first time I had ordered Canteen some I don’t know how many weeks ago. So I guess that it is possible for me to “pace myself” and I hope that this previously forgotten trait will remain with me once I leave this place.

 

I wrote Siobhan last night so I didn’t write here. That makes only two missed days out of 39. Maybe that is excessive but I don’t necessarily think in a bad way. I had been unable to get her address through Jon by no fault of his, so I was somewhat upset with her or more so I felt that she wasn’t being a very good friend. I am pretty sure that I expressed that in the letter. The other day out of the 39 that I didn’t write to you was because I wrote Beak. I think it was last Friday. I think I was somewhat down but am not 100% sure. I am feeling pretty good tonight but that is probably just the candy bar speaking. I got a letter from Uncle Mark today so that was cool. He had written to me about the seven or eight parts of speech and I had recently been wanting to refresh myself on them so that was cool as well. He told me to memorize them and this time I probably will after all theses years of pretending to know what they actually are. I had wanted to write him back this morning but my cell mate was sleeping. I don’t think that I mentioned that I got a new one. He moved in on Wednesday my kitchen nightmare day. I figured that I could write him/ Uncle Mark tomorrow morning while my cell mate was at work but I neglected to realize that he works in the afternoon. This only causes problems because my mind set in the mornings seems to be more suited to writing uncle Mark than my evening mindset. I think you will understand what I was trying to say. I need to write uncle Paul as well just to thank him for his letters. I think I can write to him at anytime of the day just like you.  I guess that is one of the hard parts about work and life. For the most part you don’t get to decide if it is “the right time for you” to deal or interact with someone. I don’t really get to choose for myself in here either so for the most part I just keep to myself and just count the days.

 

I had written Erin last Sunday, I think that I don’t see or even talk to he much that she is a much better friend than Siobhan. I think that today or maybe tomorrow is only my half way point if I keep my good time.  I say only because it feel that I have already been in here for a really long time but if I count down the days it is a little easier. 41, 40, 39… I guess I wont even be able to give Jon a big hug this year for his birthday so I think I will just write him a letter. I could have another inmate draw him a cool picture but it would cost me a couple of soups and also I would have to talk to these guys so I think I will just stick with writing him.

 

I cant decide if I should or want to drink this Pepsi or not. A big factor is that it is cold right now and am sure that that would make it really good so I think I will. Uh-oh, Friday night and I am on the verge of overindulging. I had written Beatrice a few letters and am just now getting them back with the pointing finger stamp that says “return to sender” I am pretty sure it is just because I had the wrong address but I still feel a little like Forest Gump when he gets the big stack of is unopened war letters back from Jenny.

 

I am almost done with the fiction workshop book that I have been reading. It has been pretty helpful and has given me more of an idea as to what is involved in writing a novel; character, scene, point of view, setting, voice… I have never really ever written any fiction so in that sense I should have been doing the workshops at the end of each chapter but I already write three to four pages a day and am still afraid of my imagination. I am afraid to characterize my feelings, not sure why probably because it is unsettling to look at them from another point of view.

 

Yesterday in the kitchen was a lot better day until around 3:30 PM when we got called back down to the kitchen to be “written up” a.k.a. fired for supposedly not making enough cookies. We had made nearly 1,200 just like we do every other day but the afternoon manager was just upset and decided that we didn’t make them before looking and asking around. It was a huge deal and rumors spread faster in here than they would in a Junior High. Everyone got involved mainly the kitchen staff, Guards, lieutenants and Sergeants, so much for keeping a low profile. We most likely would have been fired had the missing cookies some 400 had not been found in a bin under a counter in the middle of the kitchen later that afternoon.  I guess it was a big deal because they were for dinner and also that particular kitchen manager is a total jerk. We were asked to write down what happened and who said what. I would have just assumed to stay out of it but I took the opportunity to tell someone whoever that may be about the missing supplies and the seemingly unfair workload in the kitchen. So I wrote something up and gave it to the other baker involved, I wish now that I would have given it strait to a guard but the whole situation had more to do with words exchanged between the other baker and the kitchen manager so I just gave it to him. He had to work today and said that the manager pretty much left him alone and even offered him a forced apology.  I am just glad that I didn’t have to work. I wish that none of it would have ever happened because it got all blown out of proportion between gossipy cops and inmates bringing even more attention to the bakery. 38, 37, 36… I know that is getting ahead but I need to just keep checking the days off one by one.

 

I cant believe this pen! It is still working and I haven’t been able to see any ink in its tube since sometime yesterday. It is like that Seinfeld episode where Kramer sees how far he can drive a car on an empty tank. I broke down and opened the Pepsi, it is pretty good but I am unsure as to if I will finish all of its 24 ounces making the rest flat. So I am not sure if that it was worth trading for it being cold

 

I think what bothers me the most about getting my letters to Beatrice back is the wasted stamps. It was only two but still the letter went all the way to New York and back but I still don’t feel that I got my 82 cents worth. I was probably just missing apt 4b and (1/2) or something stupid like that.

 

I was going to call you this morning but the “phone station was inactive”  as the computer lady says. They (the guards) turn the phone off whenever the jail is doing a DOC/ Department of Corrections a.k.a. Prison run.

 

I bought more stamps this week so I now have eleven witch seems like a lot but the go kind of fast. I spend about twenty dollars a week in here witch is nothing outside but is a lot for what I have. 

 

Well I suppose that is enough writing for today, I am tired even though I drank a cup off coffee when I started this and am drinking a Pepsi now. I think it is mainly the headphones that are bothering me and it is now around 9:00 pm my time 8:00 your time.

 

Saturday

29 March 2008

6:45 PM

 

Well I just got off the phone with you and fifteen minuets just isn’t enough for a weeks worth of happenings.  I found myself wanting to call numerous times this week not for any particular reason other than boredom but I am proud of myself for holding out for as long as I did. I tried to call Friday and a bunch of times today but I knew that I was unable to get a hold of you because you were out doing something cool.  I picture you out walking on the beach in your cool coat clenching my hat and it makes me smile.   I guess you said that the weather is getting better now so you probably don’t wear your coat anymore but I still like to picture it. Anyway, I just found out that more than Likely I will be the only one going into the bakery tomorrow instead of the supposed to be four so that sounds fun! Two of the other bakers are still playing sick and the third has a day off. He is cool though and he let me have my days off so he deserves the favor and it isn’t really a favor, he deserves it like I had. I guess I will just wait and see.

 

Uncle Mark had sent me a letter and I got it yesterday but I think I already told you about that. I guess I am growing a little crazy in here and cant even remember what I had for lunch. Most likely it wasn’t worth remembering. Anyway it was good to talk to you, it made my day and I am glad that you told me to call mid week too.

 

I finished that fiction writer workshop book today and am glad that I read it. I don’t think that I will write any stories while in hear but I will most certainly observe and gather characters, scenes and plots from this place.

 

I started to read a book called “Mastering the Meaning of Being Alive” “Becoming Conscious” today. It was written by a psychologist and I think that I will enjoy it, the forward was pretty interesting. I am glad that I now how your business card to use a s a book mark. I think I will finish it fairly soon because for some reason the type face is huge like fourteen or sixteen. Maybe so the crazy people that the author treats can reade it too.

 

 Sunday

30 March 2008

6:20 PM

 

 I feel that working makes me less content that to if I was just to lay in my cell and read. I’m not miserable but I was certainly in a better mood yesterday. The breakfast this morning was fantastic but by 1:00 PM any joy from the real ham, green peppers, onions and potatoes in the eggs are long forgotten. I was in a pretty good mood at the begging of the day and was really liking your idea of opening a bakery in Dana Point but now I am just soar and edgy. My arm hurts, not the muscles but the bones in the for arm, I think it is from rolling dough. I know it sounds lame but I think that it is giving me carportunel syndrome.

 

I called Beak yesterday and we got to speak before the computer cut us off. That’s what it does with cell phones, but she was able to money onto it or the computer so I think now we can speak for longer. The computer wouldn’t let me call her last night so I called her today. It was good but I was still grouchy from work so it would have been better to speak with her yesterday when my mood was less foul. I wonder if she could tell, most likely.

 

We made cinnamon rolls today just like every other Sunday. That’s a pretty good thing to sell down by the warf, Huh? Sundays never seem relaxing around here but I do enjoy going through all of the mail I have received over the week and addressing envelopes and placing the correct number of stamps on them to be mailed out tomorrow (Mondays). Sundays are my organize days. It looks like this letter will be around eighteen written pages and nine sheets of note book paper. I know from your mathematic that it is one sheet over the one ounce limit for just one stamp but I am considering just for fun to see if it will make it to you with just one. I probably shouldn’t risk it but it sure is tempting. I from now on when I reach seven or eight pages I will just send them instead of waiting until Mondays. This way you might get mail more frequently and thanks to you now know how many sheets I can send per stamp, Cool! This would deviate from routine though.

 

There I feel a little more relaxed haven written even just the previous blabber it has still helped. I think I just get tired and sick of being around people. Even when I just hold up in my cell I still feel as though I am surrounded by 100 other people I guess because I always am or at least fifty. The only time to ever escape is while sleeping and even then there are rude awakenings.  It takes a lot of patients and restraint to live in this place. I am actually surprised that more people don’t snap if mild manner people like myself are occasionally on the verge.  I am just tired and would like every body to jus “Shut UP!”  “Be Quiet!”. It kind of feels like when you don’t dive deep enough under the wave, when everything is loud and you feel all disoriented. Other people did help me in the bakery today and it wasn’t that bad. I am just read to lay in my own real bed and truly relax. Anyways,

 

Love Her Tons!

 

TAH

 

P.S. I though the going to Disney land forever stuff was hilarious!

Boardom on Paper Followed by My Truest Self

Letter Six of Twelve to Mom from Jail

Mail Screened at LCDC

 

 

Tuesday

18, March 2008

 

5:45 PM

 

 

I don’t think that I have told or written you much about my “job” so I will do so now.

A tiny battery powered alarm which my cell mate Tim and I both share sits by me head. Set and ready to wake me up at 4:35 AM mainly as a back up for the slight chance that I have not already been woken by something or someone making noise. I typically check the clock in increments of ten to fifteen minuets until 4:30 draws near at which point I close my eyes one last time before deciding that I would rather not hear the beeping of the alarm and turn it off. I sit up and put my white undershirt which is speckled with stains on and hop down from the top bunk, the hard concrete is not masked at all by the thin carpet. I take of my issued green shorts that fit me like ones I would have worn back in the fifth grade and put on some “clean” white pants, speckled and spotted with stains. I ensure that my t-shirt is fully tucked in and scoop myself out a cup of freeze dried coffee if I hadn’t already done so the night before.  This always makes quite a racket and I used to care about being to noisy as to not bother Tim but he has proven to be far less considerate than I with his clothing and toiletries all over the place so I just scoop away and get dressed. It is by now around 4:40 or so and I begin to hear beeping alarms through the cinderblock walls. I open the solid wood door with a full but barely four inch wide slit down the center of it and exit my cell with my crappy black cup that is holding coffee crystals and an orange Spork. I use a folded brown paper towel to wedge the door shut but not locked for it only opens from the inside less by an officer’s key. I walk the gymnasium length pod and fill my cup with hot water from a sink that would better fit in laundry room than a day area.  I sit at one of the many empty black metal tables next to the televisions and enjoy my coffee the best I can.  One by one men dressed in white come lugging out of their cells on the way to either the “Litter Box” or the sink. I look over my shoulder frequently towards the clock; this is the only time of day that it seems to move fast. I dare not say too fast. By 4:50 I finish my coffee with a medium sized gulp and head back to my cell. I pull on the door and try to catch the paper towel as it falls. I set my cup on the metal desk once again making noise that is bothering me less and less daily. I put a line of Dawn Mist toothpaste on my “Bob Barker” toothbrush grab my cup and head for the Litter Box ensuring as before that I will be able to renter my cell. I would just leave it ajar but close it as a courtesy towards Tim. I brush my teeth thoroughly and double rinse the pink foam from my mouth, one more cup of water before once again returning to my cell.  By now it is nearing five normally 4:57 and fifteen to twenty men all in white are lined up at the pod door informing the guard of their name, cell number and if the reside on the top or bottom bunk. I feel rushed at this point, I hurriedly place my cup and toothbrush on the overly cluttered shelf designed for one but used by two and exit my cell closing the door fully.  I always double check my head to make sure that I am not forgetting anything but realize that as long as I am dressed with my shirt fully tucked in than there is really nothing to forget. In fact I would most likely get in trouble if I did bring anything. I trek across the pod and grab an extra large over shirt; it is thicker and has a pocket over the left breast but is speckled and stained just the same. I file into line towards the end and when it is my turn I say “Kramer thirteen A” “A” for above or top bunk.  The guard then calls to the kitchen on his cop radio “Seventeen inmates to the Kitchen” and it responds “Okay send them down”  The radios are also used to communicate if the kitchen forgot a tray at meal time or if an inmate needs new socks… all official police business. The line begins to cross the yellow tape on the floor between the door jam that helps to signify the boundary between the pod and hallway. The trek to the kitchen is short and typically quiet as I am sure that no one is trilled to be awake among other more obvious reasons. Being towards the end of the line has its disadvantages being all of the “tools” i.e. aprons and non slip rubber booties have been pretty much picked through but as of yet I still prefer to “enjoy” my cup of coffee than to rush and wait at the front of the line for five or ten minuets while the rest of the crew slumbers its way to the door. Not quite worth a fresh apron and a matching pair of booties in my opinion. While the front of the line files in I get to look at the soda and candy bar machines, the sight doesn’t really make me crave them it more so reminds me of quarters and how nice it would be to have or even just hold some. Next to the vending machines there is a blue mail box but this one is plastic and the post office logo says “Inmate Mail” This box seems oddly placed as I am now thinking about it. I would expect that they meaning LCDC would have a full fledged mail room with stamps that say “Mail Screened at LCDC” and such, which I am sure they actually do.  I file into the kitchen grab an orange apron and sort through the nasty wet rubber slicks for a matching size, left and right or right and right it doesn’t really matter.  I grab a hair net witch is thankfully more of a cap like they wear in hospitals than the crappy McDonalds ones. I sign in “Kramer thirteen A”  By this time I no longer look at the clock for it seems to move too slowly and I am always surprised at how early it still is. By this time another line has formed to receive latex gloves. If you are luck you get two pair and I have learned not to soil them unnecessarily or even necessarily for they are kept under lock and key and are apparently more valuable than basic sanitation. I wash my hands frequently even when wearing gloves but it is not hard for me to imagine other inmates being as clean and sanitary as I try to be. I asked for another pair of glove today for some how under the normal circumstance I felt that they had become soiled. The manager who is a contractor not a guard reluctantly gave me a new pair and sternly said “do not throw these away, Wash them!” I am not sure if I am the only one that finds that funny and alarming but I am begging to think that the gloves are more to keep mine and the other inmates hands clean as apposed to the food. Anyways after acquiring all of the appropriate tools for the trade I head to the back of the kitchen and look over the menu or rather the multitude of items to be backed that day.  Every day it seems to be pretty much the same things, dinner rolls, hoagies, cookies, cakes, and biscuits. The only thing that seems to change is the number of each item which no matter what is always a ton. The First couple of days I just helped to grease pans with white “shortening which actually just looked like lard. To keep my hands clean I would use a towel and of coarse my gloves. I soon learned to stack the some forty 1.5 foot by 2 foot pans in alternating directions as to not get the bottom of the next pan all greasy. The greased pans would be used for cakes and biscuits that were generally made later in the day. After all of the pans were greased and precariously moved under the counter it was time to place wax paper on fifty or so of the same type of pans to be used for hoagies rolls and cookies. These pans could be stacked normally. Now it is time to start rolling out rolls and hoagies out of the first of three huge batches of doe. Balls a little bit bigger than golf balls were rolled out and placed six by nine on the pans and placed in a warmer to “proof” or rise. 900 or so rolls later and it is cookie time. I cream scoops the size of golf balls in conjunction with warm water are used to get a consistent size and slapped down onto the wax paper four by six. Four pans at a time are placed into one or more of the four gas ovens and bake for fifteen minuets. The bread weather it be rolls or hoagies which are just slightly larger rolls that are rolled into hot dog shapes go in to the over loaded ovens four at a time for ten minuets at which point they are rotated 180 degrees and a buzzer is set for another ten. Once all of the rolls have been baked it is now time for cakes and biscuits. They are poured onto the greased pans and smoothed evenly with a rubber spatula. They go into the first available oven for fifteen minuets get rotated carefully as to no slosh any over the sides and for some reason if they are slightly touched they collapse making for a flat cake, something that upsets the inmates more than you might think. Another fifteen minuets and the cakes are pulled out and placed in one of the four already full cooling racks. By this time in the day hopefully before 9:00 am the small corner of the kitchen set aside for the “bakery” is packed with racks, rolls, cookies and cakes. With four ovens and four bakers it can get somewhat confusing as to who rotated what and if a buzzer was even set. It is generally at this time that the most experienced baker i.e. the guy who has and will be there the longest finds something on the menu that the manager forgot to write on our to do list for the day.  The item is typically something for lunch that day like hamburger buns (large rolls) So it is back to standing in one place feet throbbing and hand constantly rolling churning out countless doe balls, ball by ball and pan by pan for today’s lunch of fake hamburgers. After the scramble to pump out the buns it is time for clean up which I am and have always been good at but maybe to good in here for it seems as though I do all the work while the other bakers do I’m not sure what. Watch the buzzers?

 

 

Wednesday

19 March 2008

4:10 PM

 

I guess I neglected to mention breakfast. It is in there somewhere generally in the middle of rolling a batch of doe around 6:30 or so. It is nothing special, I guess the best part is the eggs, which I wouldn’t even touch when I first got in here but now after seeing the frozen bags of pre whipped eggs I am a little less weary, that and they are the only thing on the plate that remotely has any kind of flavor. So I eat my flavorless oat meal, my cooked apple chunks for some kind of nutrition, a healthy serving of eggs and typically two pint sized cartons of milk. There are some days but not enough where cornflakes are served in place of the eggs and that is always a welcomed occurrence. After finishing my meal, listening to the other inmates complain and joke and the manager yelling at someone for taking too much milk I discard my try in the dish area and return to the back of the kitchen. I wash my hands and try to get some more gloves to continue rolling out rolls. After everything is cooked it is sorted in various ways, the rolls and cakes are placed on to racks with wheels and labeled for what it is and what it is for (dinner rolls 3-19-08) the carts are then rolled into a storage room after politely asking one of the managers to unlock the door. I think that that may be the biggest part of there job, that and to let inmates into the locked bathroom at their convenience. It is time for clean up wiping down the tables, ovens and mixer with soap and water then a solution of blue disinfectant. I feel that this should be done before the sweeping and moping as to get all of the crumbs but I guess not all of the other bakers see it so clearly and I don’t say anything for I am happy to have someone else do it eve though it urks me to no end. Over the past couple of days the most experienced baker has been showing me all of the recipes and teaching me how to use the mixer. At first I didn’t want to have anything to do with it but after actually helping I suppose my attitude has somewhat changed. It is fairly simple just following the written directions and letting the giant mixer do the rest.

 

 

8:35 PM

 

I hate to break this story but I am not feeling very descriptive or much like writing about the monotony I will have to go through for months to come. I was in a decent enough mood and was taking a nap when my lawyer called around 2:00 PM. I had wanted him to call but I was hoping that he would have some new and better news, but he had no news at all other than they did in fact move my court date to Friday the 21^st at 8:30 AM. I had already confirmed this not two minuets after he left the jail last Friday.  I am glad I have a lawyer I just hate how the legal system lets so few play around with people’s lives via phone messages, short two minuet conversations and quick decisions.

I knew that last night if I didn’t finish the description of my day than it would most likely not be finished at least not with the same tempo I had established. It is cool when that happens, when you get in the right mood and ideas and words flow out. That is how I was feeling last night and there proved to be a lot more to write about than I originally intended, even now I would consider that description only a quarter of the way finished hell I was only up to like 9:00 or 10:00 AM but I didn’t and don’t want to just pump it out earlier or now for I want it to “dance” or be good so I will wait until my mood once again finds the rhythm. No rush its only that the detail keep piling up day by day, hour by hour, minuet by minuet… It is somewhat like the focusing stuff you told and wrote to me about. I thought that it was really cool about you imagining yourself diving under the waves and how that it fits in with contractions. I will have to try some of those thought stopping techniques. That is what I used to use alcohol for.

 

Yesterday while writing I found a way to make my tea last longer, just keep using the same bag! It does get weaker but keeps some flavor for four or five cups so that is cool. The guards keep a daily visitation sheet at their “Control Center” which is fancy for crappy Formica desk and it said that I had a visit at 19:30 or 7:30 PM normal people time. I asked who it was and the guard informed me that it was Jon, so that was going to be kind of cool but 7:30 rolled around and at 7:35 I went to ask the guard as if he didn’t know that it was 19:35 right now. He said Yeah he knew and if a visitor is late then naturally I was bummed and figured that Jon was just being spacey and was at the wrong door or something. I have since called him and he had just ordered a pizza and thought that he had made the visit for tomorrow. It would have been better if none of that would have even happened it is just one more mind game but I am over it now, besides I have other bigger worries to drown under the surf.

 

Something happened to my work out routine over the past two or three days. I have only been doing half of it. I think it is because my cell mate gets back from his job around 3:00 or 4:00 and then sleeps until like 7:00 or 8:00 PM so I don’t really want to disturb him and come 8:00 I don’t feel much like finishing the second half of my routine. I hate how expensive the phone call are here because sometime I just want to call and here you Beak or Jon talk about nothing in particular. I guess it is not too bad calling Jon like three dollars for fifteen minuets but he is hard to get a hold of. I think that it is just a bad week with the court stuff looming but I am also worried that it won’t be completely resolved on Friday and another date will be set. I just want all of that to be over with so that I can resume counting down the days rather then counting them as they pile up. I hope, hope, hope that this time that I am doing now will count towards the DUI case otherwise it will certainly feel like these are wasted days even if they do get rid of the felony probation. That is already over, papers signed… But anyways hopefully when things calm down and settle I can find a routine again and be okay with calling you once a week or so.

 

 

Thursday

20 March 2008

6:30 PM

 

So I guess court is tomorrow, it sounds weird but I am excited, I have been all of the previous times as well. I don’t know if it is because it is something different than the monotony or the unknown or what. Somewhere in my head I know that I am al be it forcefully putting all of this stuff behind me. I can remember much more nervous to go see my probation office often times for no reason and I remember saying to myself months ago on a few different occasions after having a bad meeting with her or some nit picky little phone call saying to myself “ Just fucking revoke me then!” Thinking back on all of that anguish and worry makes all of this seem not as bad. I am sure that my mood will sway back the other way but for now I am anxious, glad, sad, mad, and optimistic and every other adjective just to have something happening leading to an eventual end.

 

Yesterday was my thirtieth day so thinking about one hundred and eighty more of those or being only 1/6 of the way done is extremely disconcerting especially because spring is my favorite time of the year but at least that will be the end of it. I feel less “trapped” in some ways in here than I did when I was “free” but all of that thinking just made the road seem longer so I am going to just dive under the next few waves.

 

There was a “code” today. That generally means that we have to immediately lock down but today we only had to “Stand Down” (stand by our cell door to be counted) I was in the shower and somehow I knew that a lockdown or strand down would be called but I decided to go in anyway and sure enough it was called mid way through my shower. I barely heard it and depending on the guard you can get a write up (in trouble) three write ups and you are put back into orange clothing and join the rest of general population loosing any good time accumulated as an inmate worker. I was fortunate enough to make it back to my cell still dripping before the guard reached it, no write up. After being counted we were asked to walk single file into the outdoor rec. area. I was only wearing my daisy duke green shorts and it was windy outside so I was somewhat cold. That was the first time I had been outside for 30 and ½ days. It wasn’t that great, I don’t see how that a court yard surrounded by forty foot concrete walls could be windy but it was.

 

 

7:50 PM

 

It turns out that it was a fire drill. I guess if this place is burning they trap us into a concrete rectangle with a chain link fence on top. Is that a good place? Would CERT team be able to find us? Well I am tired, hungry, board and anxious… My face kind of hurts because I tried to shave but I still have whiskers all over. I should just try and sleep but the pod is awfully noisy right now.  After I had met with my lawyer that evening when I was going to be I thought of a lot of good things that I could say at court and I should have written them down. I had meant to write them and whatever else came to mind before court tomorrow but I procrastinated and don’t much feel like doing so now. I am sure that many more things will come to mind when I do close my eyes tonight but I am not going to try and sugar coat the truth by wording it well in a letter.  I am just going to be honest and with my lawyer leading me I should be fine.

 

A lot of these books I have been reading are all about virtue, justice morals, and the various arguments for them. I have even read Aristotle’s Rhetoric. All of these books have had to do with trials and great defense speeches by great orators. All things that I wish I had been good at years ago and especially now but I guess I am not the kind of guy that thinks quickly on his feet during arguments, and really basic trickery. I have always been better at silent reflection and the truth seems to work out in my favor most of the time anyways.

 

It kind of sucks to have to wear these white clothes for they are all stained with kitchen who knows what but they also show that I am being “a good boy” in jail. They could however show that I am getting time off of my sentence making my accusers or the judge more apt to give me more time, but these are just more mind games. So as much as I would like to go into court and beautifully orate my defense and have my charges dropped or me be acquitted of my “hay-ness   crimes”  of probation violation I am just going to go in and face my judges with a strait face and honesty. No fancy rhetoric even though I think that that would be the only way to stump the DA who is fresh out of school himself. I am going to do the right thing, the just thing…

 

 

 

 

Friday

21 March 2008

5:45 PM

 

Turns out that I really didn’t have to do anything, I guess that is what is good about having a lawyer. Thanks Again. I know that you said that you will keep track of all of the money stuff and that is good because I really want to pay you back. I imagine that I have “borrowed” a lot over the past three years and most all of it for crappy court stuff stemming from my being immature, so I really want to make paying you back a priority. Is it around $ 5,000? I don’t think that I ever paid you back for the first lawyer. Speaking of which good old Andy B-trand was in the court room today defending somebody else. I am certainly glad that you suggested going with Daniel instead of the B-train. He looked totally smug with long hair in the back bleached highlights, he looked like one of those fake professional wrestlers. He was even wearing one of those berets that were popular among high school kids eight years ago, to court! A total “phony” as Holland Caulfield would say. I think if I would have had him my sentence would have been a lot worse, in hindsight I wish I would have never have met him. He came up to me said hi and asked what was going on. I said in a nice way that I was finally getting everything taken care of. He asked what was going on with my other case and I told him that it turned out well. He said really nicely to call him if I needed anything and I thanked him. He is a total fast talker and somehow I still like him no matter how much I hate the idea of him. It was nice of him to acknowledge me and to come and say hello so in that sense he did the right thing.  I am not sure as to how much “work” Dan actually had to do. He only spoke to the DA for like ninety seconds and the judge for like sixty but I am still glad and grateful to have had him on my side. He didn’t have to but he spoke on my behalf to the judge and I think that he really meant the nice ting he said about me. I was talking to my cell mate and he seemed to think that “no early release” something that judge Stirman order me to, means that even if the jail is too full that I am one of the ones that must complete my entire sentence, but he didn’t think that it would effect my “good time” for working. Ten days off for every thirty served.  So that could potentially take twenty days off of my sentence making my release sometime in mid May. It doesn’t seem like a lot but for some reason it is huge in my head. Maybe because I consider May still spring and that I could potentially still get to experience some of it. But I am not going to get my hopes up like I did the last time but am still looking forward to receiving my new “out date” paperwork in five or so days.  It is just a piece of carbon copy paper that calculates time served with good time and days sentenced giving and “expected” release date. I am still not to sure about the everything happens for a reason stuff but now having both cases done and over with it is certainly better than when I was originally thinking about getting out and having the confusion with this DUI case. Whew!

 

I know that I am still going to have up and down days/hours/minuets and moments but at least I now I am walking towards a door instead of just blindly. When I do get that out date paper work I can once again start to count the days down instead of up. Sometimes I feel like I made too big a deal out of this stuff, crying and being overly dramatic but that may just be because I am more used to living here now than I was thirty three days ago. Even that number seems pretty pettily wink to have produced the wealth of emotions I have experienced in here. Even if I get good time I will have spent some eighty days in here and that starts to be not so pettily wink anymore, or is it?

 

I feel like a looser being in here. I know that nobody I care about is judging me in that way but I still feel as though I am more of a drain on the family than I have ever been before.  Which in reality is most likely not true but for some reason the connotation of being in jail makes me at least momentarily feel like a total fuck up, I hope that I Can use this humility in a positive way. I am worried about when I get out as to how to make things better and right. I am embarrassed to have been subjected to such judgmental people. I hope that I can work on the that over the next month or so (not caring what people who don’t care about me think of me)  I know how I can ultimately make it right but I am still nervous about “real life” again, working and being responsible…

 

 

Easter Sunday

23 March 2008

6:00 PM

 

I took a day off from writing here as to write Beak, if you want she can read my letter to her to you over the phone. I don’t think that anything exciting has happened, Yep nothing exciting. I started to read a book named “How to Write Fiction” it is a workshop book and I am mainly using it to stretch my philosophy books out. It is an easy read and I will probably get some useful stuff out of it. At the end of each chapter it has a ton of exercises but I have yet to do any of them.  I probably should do them but for some reason I am not very excited about fiction, probably because I don’t have any character or story ideas. I am hoping that this book will help with that. I think if it was just one exercise I would do it but there are like ten all two to tree pages long. I know I could just pick one that I like but I mainly just using this book to postpone reading another and am reading it fairly fast,  a couple of chapters at a time.

 

I am a little worried that this letter will be to Heavy for just two stamps but I am going to give it a trey anyway. Will you weigh it for me so that I have some idea of how much postage is needed for so many pages? Anyway I love you a ton Mom! Thanks for your help and support, I am fine.

 

Love,

 

 Tom

Lazy Dog Days

Mail Screened at LCDC

 

Letter Five of Twelve to Mom From Jail

 

 Thursday

03-13-08

4:20 PM

 

 

I guess this is officially the longest I have ever been in jail. Last time in 2006 I was only in for twenty two days and today marks my twenty fourth. I sat down and wrote out all of the things that I wanted to ask the lawyer as well as everything that I have done so far. I felt pretty good about that and hope that it will help him to make a deal with the D.A. It is kind of like that game Deal or No Deal where you have to guess if it is a good deal or not. I haven’t really got too down today so that is good. At work we thought we were done at 9:00 AM and we were all cleaned up but then realized that we had to make some 500 more rolls so that sucked. It was kind of like being told that you were getting out of jail and then out of nowhere something happened making you have to stay. My arms are all shaky from working out so it is kind of hard to write. The backs or tops of my hands are getting a rash. They are super red and kind of burn; I think it is from the chemicals in the dishwater at least I hope that that is all it is. I received my two twenty four ounce Diet Pepsi’s today, they are unfortunately flat like they have sat in the basement for a couple of years, not crisp how they should be. It is still fairly good though and I don’t think that too many people saw me receive them. I have been pretty good about rationing my canteen but the Diet Pepsi goes really fast so I will most likely be out tomorrow. I guess that it is my weekend so I will get to sleep in tomorrow, but will probably get up at 6:15 for breakfast and then go back to sleep.  Being able to eat more while at work has helped my hunger situation but I don’t think that any of the food is very healthy and I don’t want my belly to get any bigger, or even worse used to eating the double trays as to depend on them to not be hungry. I guess I am settling into work a little more but everyday my feet hurt really bad, not even just sore it is like the bones on the bottoms of my feet are bruised. I haven’t been reading hardly at all the past few day’s maybe fifty pages, I think it is because I don’t like the book, Plato’s “Republic” and because it is so loud in here and having my mind constantly running is circles doesn’t help either. I want to finish it and hopefully soon so that I can start another better book, only two hundred and fifty pages to go. I also want to write Beak, Beatrice, Paul and that CSU mentor thing. So much to do and so little time… Not really, I just have to slow my mind down, there is no rush I wish there was but I suppose there isn’t. I feel pretty bad about how I am not contributing at all to the family. All I am really doing is taking $ 1000 for the Lawyer $ 100 a month for car insurance, not paying rent not helping at all. I guess it is a little late. I wish I would have done more and could do more. I also worry about when I get out how I am going to help the family i.e. you, I have dug a pretty big hole and need to get out of it and then start helping instead of just sinking deeper and deeper or just playing catch up. Hopefully this time in here is helping me to “grow up” It is certainly making me think of others i.e. you Jon and Beak instead of myself. It is time for me to finish this crap so that I can start helping instead of just being a drain.

 

9:45 PM

 

I got your card today, the one with the ship on it. It’s really cool! I like that it is an old fashioned sailboat I wonder what we should name it.

 

 

 

Friday

03-14-08

11:00 AM

 

 

Sleeping in today was nice even just until 6:30 AM. I went back to bed after my cornflakes and coffee. I “slept” until around 10:00 when commissary/canteen got here. All of my stuff seemed to be there; fourteen soups two hot sauces, dandruff shampoo, shower shoes which are just flip flops but I am glad I got them because the showers in here are gross. They were way better in South Frank, much cleaner and bigger. I also received a small bag of Atomic Fireballs, another pad of this yellow paper and I guess that is it. I know that I had ordered more tea but I also know that I screwed up the order on the bubble sheet so I didn’t get that. That sucks because I really enjoy that part of my day. I have four bags left but I was excited for the ten more because then I potentially could have had two cups a day. Damn. It is always the little things that make the biggest difference. The rash on my hands is a lot better today so it definitely has something to do with the kitchen. So I need to find out what it is and then steer clear of it. I was able to clear my mind enough to read and actually retain what I had read and even enjoyed “The Republic” I think that it is because I spoke to you about the lawyer.  It is still really easy to get caught up and carried away with all the worrying though. I got your letter today about not drinking and stuff and I think that is what I was trying to get at last night about not helping. I am not a kid anymore so I need to stop acting like one.  I also got a letter from Jon today so that was cool. He had written it on the back of a math test that I had asked him for so that I can keep my mind functioning and growing. But he had also written that the DMV had revoked my drivers’ license. Gees! It is just one crappy thing after the other it will be nice when I finally get some good news. I don’t know why they would have sent uncle Marks book back, they are supposed to tell me if they refused something that somebody else had sent me and they never did. I guess Jon had sent me some graph paper and I got a note from the jail saying that I couldn’t have it because it is considered contraband. I guess they don’t want inmates to be able to graph anything. I always forget to ask you on the phone to send me some kind of cool book mark, even just your business card would be a good one. I am not sure what 9news is saying but the days are starting to look nicer. I think once it starts to be really nice I will go outside for the first time and get some fresh air. When we failed the pod inspection the other day the sergeant said that the air in here is 30% recycled but I bet it is more like 70%. It is like its own ecosystem of stale bacteria air and I guess that is whey they (the guards) are so insistent on keeping the jail clean because they have to breathe the air as well. Everybody I have spoken to says that Judge Stirman is the worst. So that sucks as well. I had crazy dreams last night about being in jail. I am not sure if that is a good thing or not, at least I was sleeping well. I added another step to my work out routine today because everything I was doing was only working out my shoulders and triceps so I decided to use the bunk bed to hold myself up for sixty seconds at a time. I think this will help to strengthen my biceps. Pull ups would be a lot better but there isn’t really anywhere to do those so this will have to work for now. I should be doing squats and stuff too but I don’t really want to.

 

 

4:30 PM

 

So I just finished meeting with Daniel Quinn, Jon’s and I guess now my Lawyer. However I don’t really feel relieved like I thought I might. It was good to talk to him and he listened to everything I said but the whole meeting just seemed to reiterate that I am not going to get out of this place anytime soon. Hope is not completely lost for a “good” outcome because he has not spoken with the D.A. yet and I also haven’t been sentenced. The hope is that he was trying to prep me for the worst case scenario, but I actually think he prepped me for all of the possible scenarios. His hopes seem to be a lot bleaker than mine, so I guess I have been kind of holding onto hope instead of resolving myself to the fact that the next half year of my life my be spent in here. So it is nice to have someone on my side but it seems that I may still have to talk to the court anyways. Daniel told me like others had that both the judge and D.A. were pretty stern and he didn’t think that the D.A. would budge from his deal, so he thinks that is best to have me talk and let the judge here for himself my good qualities and not just those that put me in here.

 

 

5:10 PM

 

The begging of your story is true and funny with the truck loads of beer. Anyway the first night in here I read a book called “It Could Never Happen to Me” It was an information book written by a therapy lady intended for the families, friends and Alcoholics themselves. It talked about that Alanon program A.A. and families and stuff. It sucks pretty bad thinking that I am the guy, the one that tears the family apart so others have to go help programs as well. I am glad that you found that book because I believe that it helps and treatment stuff too. It just sucks being the reason that you found it again. I guess I need to come to terms with that stuff but I am still partly saying that “It Could Never Happen to Me” but here I am. The book also talked about the children of Alcoholics, so I guess I got a double whammy. Poor me. Anyway I imagine that you and Beak are hanging out right now or maybe she is sleeping on the couch with her crunchy. I want to try and talk to her and may call tonight but it has to be when I am feeling good and strong. Your letter made me tear up today at least the end did. Just saying how much you love me and stuff. I am really lucky to have all of the support that I do. You had wrote it on the Sunday before my court date on Monday the 10^th and had probably just read the one I wrote the previous Sunday when I was all excited about getting out on the 20^th of April. I thought the worst was over but it seems to just keep coming. I guess the worst will be over once I have been sentenced and for sure of my punishment. Again. Anyways I love all of you guys and can’t wait to see you when I am no longer in here. I don’t really want to think about when that may be.

 

 

 

Saturday

03-15-08

8:00 PM

 

 

I guess that I didn’t do a very good job ordering commissary/canteen because it appears that I will run out of deodorant and soap (Irish Spring) and most likely coffee as well. Or might just bee really close, I could run out of all three Thursday night which would fine so long as I order those three items as well as more tea. I have been in a fairly good mood today if you can call it that, I haven’t been skipping around the pod singing or whistling or any of those things that one typically does while in a good mood. I just haven’t been dwelling on my less than fortunate situation. I am not sure how to feel about returning to work tomorrow. I am not looking forward to the early wake up (4:30 AM) but am sort of looking forward to the extra food. I keep thinking that today is Sunday which has been throwing my calculations off all day. Jon Had sent me a math test a few days ago and I started to do some of the problems today until they got to be too difficult. You have to ease into those kinds of things, anyway I enjoyed doing them and even think that I could feel my brain working on something different rather than just reworking the same problems over and over again. I worked out today but it didn’t feel right. It didn’t hurt but it was somewhat uncomfortable for not my muscles but my bones and joints. Huh? Maybe I pushed too hard so I may take tomorrow off from working out but who knows? I got a card from you today. The one with the piers and the birds, I am not sure if I understand it but it is a funny picture. I thought that the birds coming back every year was supper cool and hope that you guys got to see them and that they kept their lugees to themselves. It was great to talk to Beak last night and I am going to try and call later tonight after “Laundry Exchange” I was going to say that I hadn’t read yet today but I guess I actually did in the morning. Man the days drag when you are just trying to count them down. Well I guess laundry is here so…

 

 

8:45 PM

 

Somebody was whistling during laundry exchange. (He must have been having a good day) This guy is always whistling, anyways the guard got pissed and said that he was not going to turn the TV’s back on for the rest of the night and that we could thank the whistler. It doesn’t really bother me for I am not sure if I would have watched anything anyways but I am sure that a lot of people are pissed. One of my previous cell mates, the guy after “Holiday” “Playboy asked me who was whistling and without thinking I pointed over in the direction of the guy who I thought had been whistling so I guess I am now a snitch, damn! From what I hear not many people like snitches in here, not even the guards.  Well while I was writing the past few sentences we got locked down. I am not sure why and will probably never find out I just hope that it does not last long.  Even though I mainly just hang out in my cell I still like having the option to leave. Sometimes it is easy to forget that this is jail and not just a crappy camp for everybody seems cool enough but for the most part it always feels like jail. Especially during these unannounced lockdowns, I think that they generally mean that to guys were “chesting up”  or doing the “Chicken Dance” i.e. getting in to each others faces and or fighting or it could be two of the chick inmates fighting or the guard could just be having a bad day as well and wanted to punish everybody. I don’t think that that is the case but who knows he did turn the televisions off. I guess there are some pretty “bad” dudes in here. Casper had told me that he had done twelve years for attempted murder, and there have been other guys facing a lot of prison time housed right next to me. So it is really hard to tell who is one of the “bad Guys’ and who just got caught up in the same unfortunate circumstances as my self. I am not sure that I care or even want to know either way. I just hope that the guard lets us out so I can make some soup. Me so hungy. I tried to call you and Beak right after laundry exchange but got no answer, I wonder where you guys are? Probably having a cool dinner somewhere or maybe walking down by the water. I haven’t written anything down for that CSU mentor thing, I am not really sure as to why it just seems as though every time I am feeling creative or coming up with good sentences or ideas I am try to sleep or taking a shower or doing something else. I always tell myself that I will remember them but as of yet I can only remember the ideas and the cleaver ways of writing them down. Anyways it looks like we are locked down for the rest of the night so I suppose I will read and try to fall asleep. I want to use the litter box and get some water to make even cold soup but I don’t want to get in trouble either. I can’t find the original quote I had wanted to use for that CSU thing but this one is kind of good as well. “Our body is but a social structure composed of many souls” Fredrich Nietzsche “Beyond Good and Evil” Well at least it will be quiet tonight.

 

 

 

 

Sunday

03-16-08

2:00 PM

 

 

“Work” wasn’t so bad today and either my feet are getting used to standing on the concrete floor or they were just fully recovered from the two days off. They still hurt but not nearly as bad as they have on previous days. I keep thinking that today is Monday but I guess not I know that it is only one day but it makes a huge difference. I haven’t been able to get a hold of anyone, i.e. you Beak or Jon, not that I need to but it is just nice to talk sometimes. It sucks knowing that it is Sunday and everybody is out having fun or at home relaxing as I would be if I would be if I wasn’t locked up. I read that a crane collapsed in New York on 51^st street and 2^nd Ave. isn’t that where Damon lives or Mara and Beatrice? 52^nd Street? Oh-well I hope everyone is okay which I am sure they are I am just glad that beak is with you and not sleeping a Damon’s’ on 52^nd street. Well I suppose that I will work out and read even though I am not too excited about either but there seems to be nothing on T.V. that I am interested in and don’t really want to see if the twenty guys out there will let me channel flip. I guess today is most likely one of those lazy dog days.

 

 

 

Monday

03-17-08

9:20 PM

 

 

I finished my book “Republic” by Plato today. I actually really enjoyed it. It is definitely easy to get side tracked and lost while reading it but when I was able to concentrate without concentrating too much it was really interesting. I was able to relate a lot of the text to the philosophy course I took a few years back, so I think that helped me understand more fully this time around. We didn’t read it in that class but it seems as though the teacher Samantha Bankston was teaching us about Plato directly from his work in the “Republic” That teacher was something else! She was really tiny and wore crazy clothing like Kristen’s’ friend Elena would. She is more of Jon’s’ age than mine and I suppose supper smart for she was going to go to some university in the Midwest to pursue a P.H.D. in philosophy the following semester. So I imagine that there would be no winning arguments with her. I wish I could somehow track her down and show just far I have come by sending her symposiums from jail. I am sure that she would be thoroughly impressed. JK. Anyways today was another “normal” day in jail but kind of out of nowhere I decided to go to an A.A. meeting, I am glad that I went but I am still on the fence as to if I will continue to go to them. It was pretty heavy on the God stuff which I can get over easy enough but despite all I have been through or am still going through and what I have put you and the rest of the people that love me, and I am sure that it will pain you to read but I still want to drink. The meeting kind of helped with that as well. The speaker was strait forward and said that he still wanted to as well, and he had a lot of catchy proverbs that made a lot of sense. I am drawing a blank right now as to even just one of them but they were good. Anyways it is fairly late and I still need to shower and eat some soup and I want this go out tomorrow seeing as how it is already a day late, so I will just say that I love you and miss you.

 

                                               

                                                                                                            Tom

 

Oh Well Anyways…

Mail Screened at LCDC

Letter four of twelve to Mom From Jail

 

 

Monday

03-03-08

9:45 AM

 

 

Busy morning. Woke up around 6:15 when the light came on and the cell door popped open. I had breakfast which consisted of watery oatmeal some cooked apple chunks, two half dollar sized sausage tasting meat coins and two weird biscuits that I did not eat, a pint of milk and a cup of coffee. The milk is probably the best food that they serve us, but only one pint a day compared to my normal half gallon or so. I am not sure if it is skim or what percent it is I guess I will investigate that further tomorrow. Anyway if you become a “trustee” or a.k.a. an inmate worker you make the food or take out the trash or do the laundry ect… Then the guards take time off your sentence like one for every three. So potentially 90 turns into 60 but to become a trustee you have to fill out an application and then try to get three signatures from the various guards by cleaning the pod and such. I filled out the application last Friday right after court but have drug my feet cleaning/ getting signatures until this morning when I decided to sweep and mop the entire pod. It is probably only the size of a big basket ball court. I then strategically asked the guard if my application had followed me of from my previous pod but I was/am still unsure if it is actually mine for there are three “kramers” in this pod. All spelt differently Kremer, Kriemer and me the real way to spell it Kramer. I had never heard of anybody spelling it with e’s and i’s before.  Anyway I swept and mopped and noticed the guard pick up the folder that hold the inmate worker applications so I figure I got one signature and will try for another tomorrow. I went to my cell and listened to NPR on the head phones, I enjoy that and will probably make it a part of my routine. I had just started toread when the guard called my name through the speaker in my cell. He said that the nurse wanted to see me. I reluctantly put on my socks, sandals and head out into the pod. The nurse gave me a TB test, the make all inmates get one. I got one the last time I was in here as well. I didn’t have TB back then and I don’t think that I have it now either.  I went back to my cell and continued to read when not ten minuets later a different nurse called me and asked if I wanted my free fourteen day physical, a prerequisite to become a trustee I agreed and right then the guard said that my application for becoming an inmate worker was going in today.  I questioned if he had the right Kramer for I thought that I had no or maybe just one/his signature out of the three needed. He said it I was the right Kramer. I was and still am surprised. I think that some of the guards in my previous pod must have signed it just to get me out of there and make room for others. However I got them doesn’t matter.  It is a good thing potentially nocking off a bunch of days from my sentence if I am approved. I think that process takes a couple of weeks. I don’t want to work but it would be stupid to spend twenty extra days in here if I don’t absolutely have to. So I went to the intermarry and got my physical. A nurse asks you a bunch of questions then a doctor listens to your breathing and checks you for a hernia. I guess I am okay. When the doctor was done I asked him how I could get my finger nails clipped, he looked at them locked the door gave me a pair of clippers and started making noise. I guess it is against the rules and the nurses get angry with him if he allows it. It was pretty funny, he was truly concerned that they would find out. Anyway I am glad that he was cool and let me clip them, they were really starting to bother me. He informed me that in the future I would just have to file them down with an Emory board provided by the guards.  So with short nails and a clean bill of health I returned to the pod and wrote the preceding.

 

 

 

Tuesday

03-04-08

11:15 AM

 

 

I slept most of this morning and got up only at 6:00 for breakfast and then again at 10:30 AM. I was feeling kind of down again last night. I t is weird how my mood fluctuates in here. There is always the constant not wanting to be here but sometimes, the good times, I am resigned to the fact that I am here but am able to look to the future for some uplift. Like it will be summer when you get out, you will be healthier stronger and wiser. You will be more free than before you came in. But during the bad times its like 60more days of this!? It is only March 4^th, 27 more days in March … and just an over all feeling down that is hard to trump. Today has started out okay, I think that sleeping and dreaming helped. I got your letter about your imaginary co-workers, It is still making me smile to picture you in your “office” watching them all standing around the water cooler talking about last nights T.V. shows. It is hard to have a fanciful imagination in here at least a happy one, for everything in here is cold and hard making it difficult to come up with happy characters. I could write some scary stuff with scary characters but I think wait to write those stories with detailed description until I get out of here. I ordered commissary again today. I ordered a book of stamps (ten) some more coffee of a different brand because I was told by my cell mate who drinks all of it anyways  that it was better, more tea bags and more hot sauce. It was still kind of expensive like $15.00 I will have to order more soup[ next week but I am proud of myself for making it last thus far. I haven’t had trouble falling asleep in this pod, I guess it has only been two nights but not tossing and turning is most certainly welcomed. I guess it is darker in cell so that helps. I too werar pretty much the same thing everyday, I have three sets of identical clothing aside from each  ones idiosyncrasies. Socks that are too short and don’t even pass my ankles, Boxers that are too big so that they are always sliding down, a white undershirt, two which are nice and one that is too short so that I only wear it when the others are in the wash. Then there are my three sets of orange scrub tops and pants. The however are not the comfortable doctor or nurse scrubs but stiff jail scrubs. I also have one pair of orange sandals that are made of some kind of plasticized rubber, They are too big.  Everybody in here looks exactly the same except for there physical features wich are pronounced by the identical clothing.  It is funny like some thing out of a sci-fi movie. When everybody is hanging around in orange with these crazy headphones on. So there are no imaginary characters in here, they are all too real and I don’t really want to meet any of them. I know that it would make time go faster and probably keep me more sane to have some “friends” a.k.a. homies but I would much prefer my previous television friends on the outs. I would like to just stay in my cell this whole time and read but I force myself to go into the pod and be seen, to show that I am not afraid which I think everybody is but all hide by going into the pod and mingling/ making homies. I am not even very social on “the streets” so it is even more difficult for me in here. I get along better with those that are older than me as opposed to those that are of my age. I think it is because they are not trying to impress anyone like myself.  I am liking the book that I am reading now but am not sure that I fully understand it. It is called “ Man For Himself” It is about ethics and  psychology then refers to to society and ones relation towards it. I don’t really want to relate to or be any kind of part to my current society “Jail” I will think about it further and come up with a good/suitable name for it latter. I should start to write all of the time for it seems to eat minuets as though they were lays potato chips.

 

 

 

5:45 PM

 

So far today has been good, or as good as it can be. I have read and worked out. I have added five more pushups five more arm dips or “penitentiaries” as I found out yesterday that is what they are called and have been trying to hold my leg lifts for sixty as apposed to the previous forty five seconds. I haven’t added any sit ups for it is still hard to finish  all 100 of them. So for now eighty pushups, eighty penitentiaries 100 sit ups and four minuets of leg lifts is my every other day routine. I may try to start working out every day for one I feel better on the days that I do work out on secondly I don’t think that it can hurt. I haven’t been getting sore from all of the activity like I did the first time so either I am getting stronger or I have found a way to cheat.

 

I think that the first time I did pushups in here I took my time and went all of the way down. Recently I have been doing them quickly and probably haven’t been going as low as I should because well that is just way too hard! Anyways I think I am going to work on that as well.

 

I got my “outdate” tonight during dinner. Eleven days served five days of good time and a sentence of ninety puts it at Beaks graduation exactly ten weeks from yesterday. So that is when I will get out if I am not approved to be an inmate worker, something that I will not know for another week or two. So it is back to the waiting game. I will most likely finish the ethics book tonight and start “Imperialism the Highest Stage of Capitalism”  written by Lenin. I think that he is the Russian leader at least I hope so for that is why I checked it out.  It is short like one hundred and twenty pages but in my skimming through it, it seems really dry. I hope not for even if it is I will probably still force myself to finish it.  

 

 

 

Wednesday 

03-05-08

7:30 AM

 

I finished my book last night. The last chapter was great! So I read it again this morning. It really brought the whole book together. I also received the books that I requested jon to send me last night. They all seem great, all philosophy related but I am sure that I will not tier of the subject for it makes me think of a variety of things. I am a little weary of having too many books per the inmate handbook that is not completely clear. It states that I can have five from Amazon and five from the library is that a total of ten or still just five? Oh well, I will be able to highlight words and quotes in my books then transfer those to paper and possibly reflect on quotes and such so that may help time along. I am excited to get started reading one. The inmate handbook also states that I can not put books into my personal property, the only way to release them is to a visitor and even then I think it depends on weather or not the guard on duty is cool. I guess I will try that when I have finished reading them but I just wish that they would let us have more books or make it easier to release them. Anyways today is facility inspection day. All that means is “big wigs” or cops with stripes on their shoulders walk around the pod looking for dust. The cleanest pod gets pop and popcorn the upcoming Saturday. My pod will not win for sure since it is one of the biggest.

 

 

6:00 PM

 

I guess our cell was runner up in the cleanliness department and that our cell in particular was immaculate. I think that the inspector wasn’t really looking, sure there wasn’t much clutter but everything was still dirty with other peoples buggers on the walls and ceilings hair everywhere. There is always hair, even if you sweep it shows back up out of nowhere. So all of that is kind of gross but I guess we get a soda tonight anyways. I am not even that excited about it I would way rather have an extra roll or anything to eat.  I hope they give it to us soon and not late night because I don’t want to be kept up just for a Coke. I think that it would be to hard to trade for something else, it being a privilege so I am sure that the guard will be watching them closely. Man I am hungry! But6 I need to ration my Ramen soups, I only 14 to get me through until next Friday. I need to learn how to say no! I don’t want to share anymore of my coffee and I don’t want to share anymore of my soups, hot sauce or anything but when someone asks me I say sure without really thinking about it but latter in my head I am screaming NO! If you want soup, coffee or hot sauce then fucking buy it! In reality I a probably going to be in here longer than any of the guys I have shared with so I need to learn how to be selfish with my “Canteen” I thought I had enough soup for two a day but that is now down to just one and proving to not be enough. But maybe this hunger thing is just a mental game as well. I only really want it because I know that I have it. I could have ordered more but I hate having the other inmates think that I have plenty because then they ask me to share and I really only have what I “need”  for a week or two. Anyways after lunch I went to an activity called Religious Video. It was “The Passion of The Christ” I liked it, it was violent like you had told me. I wish that it would have had more of a story like him growing up and teaching and stuff like that. I am not really liking the book of Lenin’s that I am reading right now. I was hoping to finish it tonight but I am not even sure if I will finish it at all. There is another program tonight called Write it Right  which I imagine helps with grammar like there and their, to , too and two where wear and tho and though, threw, through… I was excited about it earlier but am not so much anymore. It is kind of another downer night.

 

 

9:00 PM

 

The Write it Right program was pretty silly and I was surprised that anyone else went but there was like five of us all together. Nobody knew what it was going to be just wanted to get out of the pod. The lady who was running it just had a big list of old proverbs like “Don’t bit the hand that” and then we were supposed to be creative and finish it. I would have preferred learning the correct grammar like the things I mentioned before, oh well. I guess it was better than just sitting, I am not sure if I will go next week or not. While I was gone my cell mat took a “small shot” as he put it meaning that he took some of my coffee. I suspected he had earlier when I went to watch the movie but I wasn’t 100 percent sure but this time he told me but I think the only reason he did was because our room/cell reeked of fresh coffee. I don’t even like the coffee I just hate being taken advantage of oh well… I have forced myself to keep reading the “Imperialism”  book by Lenin and beyond the point of no return so I will most likely finish it tomorrow. I want to start one of the books that Jon sent me but I still have two from the library that I want to read. I want to just bring them back to the library so that they get checked in so that I could check them back out later instead of letting the other inmates in the pod have them. So many problems…

 

 

 

Thursday

03-06-08

6:00 PM

 

Today was going pretty well, I finished the Lenin book early this morning. I got a razor at razor call (7:15) and tried to shave but the razor I got was really crappy this morning so I pretty much just cut my self all up, oh well luck of the draw I suppose. I hope I get a better one tomorrow. My probation office called to tell me that the (DRC) “Day Reporting Center” had not got my “Sleeptime” bracelet back and that they were going t charge me $750 if they didn’t get it soon. Probation lady is so efficient! I was accepted for inmate worker today a lot soon than I thought it would happen and that gave me a new out date of April 20^th one day before my 25^th birthday. So that was good news but the guard also gave me another piece of paper with a new bond/charge it is the same case number as my DUI case so I am thinking that probation lady found out that I was only going to serve 90 days and that my probation would be over so she decied to revoke my DUI probation, geeze! She is so efficient. I don’t understand wy she wouldn’t just tell me this on the phone this morning. I guess I am going to call her tomorrow and see if that is the case which I am certain it is. So that sucks pretty bad but I am going and try to not let it get me down. I think it just means more court dates and possibly more jail. Fuck! Oh well the epoch continues. I was going to use this time to write Kristen back. It was going to be a happy letter but now I am just kind of stressed and pissed off so I will save writing her until later.

 

 

 

Friday

03-07-08

5:45 PM

 

Today hasn’t been bad so far. I slept until around 10:00 AM when “Canteen” came. I only ordered very little as to try and save money and guilt when telling people I did not want or could not share. I got some kool-aid which actually is not very good, a different kind of coffee which isn’t as good as I had got last week,  ten more tea bags one which I am drinking right now, a book of stamps and one bottle of hot sauce. I had ordered three bottles of hot sauce for a dollar each but for some reason only got one which sucks because I put it on everything. I went through two last week and luckily have one left over so that leaves two for this week but no safety net. More sacrifices… The lady who delivers canteen asked me if I wanted the two dollars from the missing hot sauces to go onto my books or if I wanted something else. I told her that I would take stamps. She gave me five then changed her mind and gave me six and apologized for the not having the sauce. So Two dollars for six stamps is a pretty good deal but I would still rather the two bottles of flavor. After commissary AKA canteen I drank coffee and read the paper.  I guess they are no longer planning on building a big solar panel manufacturing plant here here which would have added some 600 jobs. AVA the company decided to build it in Longmont instead. I guess that Nestas the wind turbine manufacturing plant opened in Windsor last week so that is cool. I read the paper front to back and especially like the horoscopes that have yet to be right and the Dear Abby letters but I hate how Dear Abby is written by a lady not even pretending to be named Abby. Anyway… I like seeing the weather report when it says that it is going to be cold and crappy because then I feel like I am not missing anything. I wrote Jon a letter today explaining how to start the Bronco with the Breathalyzer so hopefully he can figure that out without too much trouble. I went to the library today mainly to return the books that I had not read so that I could start reading the five that Jon sent me. I figured that the books were better off in the library than in some other convicts hands. I hope I can find them again when I have finished and disposed of mine. I know that it is not morally right to play stash with books, especially those that discuss morals and ethics but I did it anyways. I f I get moved over to the inmate worker pod soon which I hope I don’t but probably will my “free” time will probably be reduced considerably. I will have to work instead of reading so these books that I now have could potentially last a long time. My 100 pages a day has already suffered because I am trying to understand and think about that which is written which is proving to be difficult with Nietzsche. Even though it is supper hard to grasp what the hell he is talking about I really like his style of writing for he uses elaborate metaphors. While at the library I “scouted out other books actually authors that I would like to read like; Tolstoy, Hemingway, Emerson, Thoreau, Dostoevsky…  I was surprised that they had them because I looked them up on the computer with no luck but was able to find them the old fashioned way. (i.e) Hunt and peck. So if I do find myself in need of more books I know exactly were they are in the library. So long as another convict doesn’t move them. Anyway TGIF it has been a long week and I can’t wait for the weekend. I think I will just sit around and not do anything. I’ve worked hard enough. I deserve it.

 

 

 

Sunday

03-09-08

1:00 PM

 

 

I guess I didn’t write yesterday. I am not sure why, maybe because nothing exciting happened. I finished my book “Beyond Good and Evil” by Friedrich Nietzsche this morning and surprisingly the last chapter or even the last page seemed to sum the whole thing up to where maybe I do understand what he was trying to get across. It is really interesting to me and makes me wish that I had a computer to type down the scattered thoughts. I have too many and they are to jumbled to put onto paper with pen or maybe I am just being lazy. Anyway I will probably jot down the quotes and words that I highlighted from that book, put them aside and then start a new book. I am not sure as to which one I will actually start but I think it will be Plato’s “Republic” for I haven’t read any of Plato’s work yet. I have been dreaming a lot which I guess is a good thing for it means that I am sleeping well. I haven’t been letting court stuff bother me too much for there is really nothing I can do. It is all in other peoples hands. The breakfast in here is always the same watery oatmeal, milk, apple sauce and weird cakes that always bloat my stomach and make me gassy. The only reason I get up for breakfast is to get some food in my stomach and for the slight chance that they might serve Corn Flakes instead of the flavorless watered down oatmeal. I only put a little bit of milk in the rare flakes so that I can drink the rest. I feel that I get more bang for the tax payers buck that way. I have tried to count the time in weeks or even months in order to make it seem less daunting but so far it is easier to keep it day by day. So I uses days. Today is my 20^th and if all goes well I only have 42 or so days left. The razors in here are supper crappy and I think that the hairs on my chinny chin chin are becoming immune to them for every day it seems harder and harder to get the closeness I deserve. I haven’t been “outside” yet because then I would most certainly have to interact with the other inmates. I know that it wouldn’t be bad but I am still going to wait for awhile when the weather is better. “Outdoor Rec” as they call it is really just a concrete box about half the size of a typical Fort Collins backyard with a cage over the top so I am not really missing a lot other than the “fresh air” of the Timberline and Prospect area. Even that would probably be nice.

 

 

 

5:45 PM

 

I thought that your letter talking about the lady and where she put the stam was funny as hell! I got that letter a few days ago but was remembering it today while putting stamps on my envelopes. I hope that they are in the right place as to not clog the sorting machine. Most everybody in this pod was complaining about the recent time change because they lost an hour of sleep but the way I see it, it is an hour off of my still to be determined sentence. They can spring the clock forward as much as they want for all I care. I did start to read Plato’ “Republic” I think that I will like it, I think that it is mostly if not all dialog so that might be entertaining even though I prefer the dry non-fiction stuff but it seems like a good change. Other than that no big changes around here, I decided to wrk out today even though I worked out yesterday because I wasn’t really getting soar anymore so I guess I am going to up the anti and try to do it everyday. That is one of thing that I would like to keep up once if ever I get out of here. That and certainly not smoking, I know that I should quit drinking as well. I guess 60 days is actually a long time seeing how it has only been twenty, does it seem like a long time to you guys as well or has time gone by relatively quick for you? Anyways I hope that you and Beak have a great time! I bet I will be able to come see your or both of your places this summer. I don’t think that I will find out much at tomorrows court date which sucks because I am ready to face the music now and hear the verdict but oh well. I think the worst part about going to court other than the not knowing is the “jail” or holding cells that they have under the court house. That place is terrible and they leave you all chained up until every inmate is finished with court so it can potentially take four or more hours. Tell Kristen that I do think that I saw some of old man Averies tunnels while I was there under the court house last time. We actually go through the tunnels to get from the jail to the court house so that is kind of cool. They even have road signs in them telling you where various tunnels go I.E. to RMHS or to the Stone Lion Book store AKA the bank AKA Beaujos Pizza. Anyways I love you both a ton and thanks for y

R letters they make a huge difference! Tuesday will mark three weeks and hopefully only six more after that, so keep your fingers crossed! Everything Chop!

 

 

Love

 

TAH

        

This One Could Be a Doosy

Mail Screened at LCDC

Letter three of twelve to Mom from Jail.

 

 

Monday 03-10-08 

4:10 PM

 

 

So court today went worse than I thought it could have. I expected to be appointed a public defender but I guess it doesn’t work like that for misdemeanor “Failure to Comply” charges. The D.A. was a total jerk! A young guy my age that doesn’t hesitate to hand out huge sentences even though he couldn’t make it ten days in this place let alone 180! Shit! It sucks having gotten such good news from the Felony case only to get such crappy news from this lesser charge. It totally depends on what D.A. you get. After today I find it highly unlikely that I will be out before my birthday, this one could be a doosy. Oh-well I am going to try to not think about it and just let it run its coarse, Shit!

 

I got moved to North Frank today, it is the POD where they house the “Trustees” or Inmate Workers, so I guess I have to work now. I think that the only good part is everybody (meaning the couple of guys I have talked to have said that it makes the day go by less slowly. I guess I will find out. I wonder if it makes six months go faster? I guess I will be working in the kitchen starting tomorrow. I am not sure when, I’ll have to check the schedule which as of now I have no idea where it is located. So now instead of wearing all orange I am wearing all white. I had ordered extra large pants but they gave me large and they fit pretty tightly. I told the guard, but he had me spin around and show him and then said that I will be fine. I imagine his cloths fit. This POD seems older than the last one I was in and the cells are certainly smaller. I think they were originally built for one person but because of DA’s like I had this morning they have converted them into two man cell by putting a “bed” on top of the other one. There is no toilet or sink in these cells, for those I have to go over to the “litter box” which is somewhat tucked into a corner of the pod but is still mostly exposed so that if others care they can watch while I use the restroom, Great! My new cell mates seems okay, shyer than me, but I have already noticed he seems kind of dirty with trash and stuff like that but still in a room as small as this anything of that nature can really bother you. I can see a lot more out of the slit “AKA” window in this cell, which I am not sure as to if it is a good thing or not. It kind of just makes me look but not touch freedom. My new cell mate thinks he is getting out Thursday, I hope so, So that I can clean this place up and hopefully become more organized.

 

 

Monday 03-10-08

7:25 PM

 

Okay, so I am a little more resolved to the fact that I may be here for what only seems like forever right now. I am sure my mood and outlook will continue to fluctuate. Right now I am glad that I can see more out of the windows it might help me be more creative. I always looked out the window on the “outs” when I needed inspiration to write but I generally had a beer in hand. Half of me just wants to say “fuck it” and not get a lawyer and just do the 180 more days really the worst part other than it sucking really bad in here is that I would miss most if not all of the summer. That is the worst part when I look at the big picture and that is what I need to do for the small picture wholly sucks. I want to cry but I know it won’t do me any good. I won’t feel better for I would probably draw unwanted attention to myself and I don’t want to appear weak in here. It is really just a big summer camp without anything remotely fun. LCDC “ Larimer County Day and Night Care.” I need to find ways to stay strong , to feel good about myself and my future but even that seems somewhat bleak. Other than not drinking and not smoking I don’t see how this experience can help my life. I guess that’s not true, there are a lot of positives that can come out of this experience but for some reason those “improvements” don’t seem to be worth the mental anguish at least not right now. I know nothing good comes for free but if given the choice right now I would gladly trade my better future self to be free. I know I am still missing the bigger picture but this just seems counterintuitive to bettering myself. I don’t want to better I want to be free. But I need to finish this or as Holiday put it “it’s time to kill that shit” and walk out of here with no “tail”(ie) no probation, no paper… Again with the days, 180 doesn’t sound that bad, it sounds a lot better than six months! What did I do again? I have talked to a lot of guys here, all who seem to be decent but who have been “wrapped up in the same case for years, some going on ten by the time they are completely done. So yeah its time to do my time that doesn’t match my crime and walk out of here with my back facing the metal and cement “strait not straitened” and never seeing the inside of this place again, but I have said that before and so have many of these guys that I have spoke to in here that are now doing lengthy sentences as well. I just wish I knew exactly what was going to happen, I wish for the first time ever that I could just get rid of hope because it is playing cruel games with me.

 

 

Tuesday 03-11-08

6:30 PM

 

God is it still the 11^th!? I feel like it has been the 11^th for a couple of days now. Time is starting to blur together. I know that another day has passed and I have marked it off on my calendar but somehow in my head it has been the 11^th for some time now. It’s not like I wake up and say it’s the 11^th and hopefully tomorrow the 12^th. I don’t even really think about it until I sit down to write theses notes. For as boring as this place it seems that a lot happens or has happened in the past three weeks and guess a lot actually has. Three court dates in as many weeks each one with the potential to really effect the rest of my life.  It has proven to be pretty stressful. I won’t be surprised if by  the time I am sentenced on this DUI case if I have grey hair. I had a pretty bad head ache today after work around 1:30 or 2:00 PM so I took two of the aspirins that I had been saving and just eating one each night. I am not really sure why but I have heard that it is good for your heart that and they come in packs of thirty and it is a good unnecessary additional way to keep track of the days. I do that with a multivitamin in the morning, in my head all day long and in the afternoon with my hand made calendar. I like my calendar but it makes my head dread and look just how much longer there is, not how far I come. Plus I liked my calendar a lot better when it only had to be three months long. So anyway I kind of screwed up my asprin system but it was the worst head ache I’ve had in a really long time. The asprin helped but now the head ache is kind of coming back not bad but constant. So I was supposed to check the schedule yesterday to see when I had to work and I did check it all day long but and there was never a new one posted with my name on it so didn’t wake up or anything. Around 5:30 AM the guard came into my cell and told me that I had to go to work in the kitchen. I wasn’t in trouble I just had to go right then, so I threw on clothes if you can call them that and went to work. I had been assigned to be a cook for the staff, which is supposedly is the best job. I guess because there is the opportunity to sample the real food that gets cooked for the guards and other members of the staff. Real food like chicken, fresh salad and veggies, beef, you know normal food. But I am not too excited about that I, would rather be doing dishes or something. The guards just expect you to know what to do and it seems like too much responsibility to have to cook. I guess the kitchen is considered a good place to work because you get “double trays” Which I found out today isn’t that great for too much crappy food can make you sick. Plus after seeing all of the food being made and by whom and all of their different hands “helping” to contaminate it, it kind of turned me off of the food here even more. So I was kind of feeling or more so asking myself if it was worth twenty days off my sentence to have to wake up at 4:30 AM and go through all of that. I am still undecided.

 

I got my mail after dinner this evening. One letter from Uncle Paul and one from Beak. I was fairly emotional and not sure why but I think that is something I am just going to have to deal with nearly everyday. So Beaks letter made me cry not really because of what she said except “I love you” but more so just the thought of her does. I guess I am really close to her and I lover her Tons! Anyway it is hard to think about her without welling up, I love getting her letters but it is also hard. I thought I had gotten over it when I thought I was going to get out on the 20^th and would be able to talk to her on the phone, but now I am not sure in fact I know I would cry even just dialing her number. Hell I am already struggling to hold back tears so I am going to have to wait until I am stronger to talk to her, hope she understands. On the same note I am sorry that I have been kind of short with you on the phone, but it is for the same reasons, I just love you guys too much not to cry. I wonder if when I get out of here I will have trained myself to not cry period or if it will be a total water works. Okay enough downers. It is crazy how much it helps to work out. When I was feeling sad about Beak earlier, I worked out and it helped turn my mood around, so that’s good.

 

I was thinking that I could order some “Advil” from the KOP medicine program but that would just be a fifth way for me to keep track of the days so I will wait on that for now. Now that I am in this pod  “North Frank” I can order pop so I ordered two twenty four ounce Diet Pepsi’s for only $1.25 each which is actually a pretty good deal. I was going to order six, the maximum number I could have in my cell per the inmate hand book, but I was afraid that the other inmates would make fun of me seeing as it was diet so I cut it back to two. I just flashed on this cell looking like Jon’s van or moms or my desk with empties, half full and full cans all over the place, I thought it was pretty funny. Anyway I suppose that I should go use the “Litter Box” and then read for awhile. I am reading Platos “republic” and finding it hard to get into for it is all pretty simple dialog. It is way easier for me to get into more non-fiction stuff. But I also think that it has been kind of hard to concentrate on reading with all of the other stuff that has been going through my head the past couple of days.

 

 

Wednesday 03-12-08

4:20 PM

 

So I guess I am “hard timing it” again this afternoon. I don’t know how to make my mind stop worrying. This happens everyday I think today I am just tiered but I can’t fall asleep because it is so loud in here. All kinds of indistinct chatter but it is really loud. I don’t know how the decibel stuff works but it is like a loud stereo but it’s not playing music. It sounds like when you are at a big play or something before the lights go down and the curtain goes up. It stays this loud until around midnight then I guess it goes quiet but returns to noisy at 4:00 AM. I uess it is because everybody works different shifts so that makes for no truly quiet time. I know that if I was at home laying in my bed that I would fall asleep instantly and sleep through the night so that thought has kind of been bumming me out.  Then that gets me thinking about an April 20^th release date and how even that seems far of, then the inevitably I start to think about march 26^th and how even that seems far off and then I start to think about 180 days after that and how super far off that seems. I guess I have fallen into a routine but it unfortunately includes hard timing it. A description that my very first cell mat “Shafer” gave to the guys/kids that were calling their parents and girlfriends from booking crying. Shafer was good at making those guys feel better. He would sit down with them and say “Man up!” He had turned himself in the same day as I had and got out yesterday. I think that it is the not knowing again that is getting to me. I start wondering about what is going on outside and how I am not and probably wont get to be apart of any of it. I guess writing helps make me more resolved to the fact that there is nothing I can do to change this situation. So I need to find things like this that I “enjoy.” Every time I try to read I just get really tiered and can’t even seem to get through one page. I don’t know about this work stuff, I get this Friday and Saturday off but if I don’t start getting better sleep than I might have a meltdown. May bee its not the work thig, I am sure I would still be having hard times even if I was in the other pods where I could sleep better than this anyways.

 

My mood has never fluctuated this much ever and it happens out of nowhere. I want to scream and cry and just not be here anymore. I guess it helps to talk with other guys a lot of them are in here for way longer than I hope I will be and they seem to be getting along so yeah maybe it is not the knowing stuff. I think a lot of it is the “job” I have too, It’s too early in the morning and I am not getting enough sleep. It feels like it is actually making the days longer which I guess it actually is. Instead of having my dreams which were sometimes weird and always super vivid I am awake and sometimes fighting to stay standing on my throbbing feet. Everything if fuzzy like you would imagine a dream but dreams are actually much clearer than my current reality. I had been thinking of alternate realities when I was in “The Dog Cage” (The van that has two cages in the back where the guards cram eight people into for transport to the court house) I had just finished reading the Duan Juan book and alternate realities was pretty much the subject of that book, but I had been thinking about the non drug induced “alternate realities” that some people have to go through and that I was and am going through. It was weird I was calmly looking out the window through a thick metal grate watching all of the happenings as we headed Northwest on Riverside. It was the day that I was either going to get a year and a half in prison, a year and a half in the halfway house or ninety days in jail. I don’t know how I was so calm. I said to myself silently that this was my reality and somehow excepted it and the un-know of what was to happen to me not an hour away. I think I told myself that whatever the deal was that it would be okay for if it was the 90 days than that would be great and if it was one of the other two then I would bond out the next day anything just to get out of that place for even just awhile. I am having a hard time finding any of the good possibilities from this upcoming court date. Okay ia guess that I am better again for now probably until late tonight or most certainly tomorrow afternoon. May bee it is because I haven’t taken my multivitamin yet, better do that. I upped the amount of pushups, arm dips and sit ups I am going to be doing to 100, 100, 120, and still just four minuets of leg lifts.

 

 

9:45 PM

 

I want to send these pages out tomorrow so that Beak can read them as well. I think that if I waited any longer to write more or to send them out that they might not get there until she leaves. When do you leave Beak? Anyway I am back to normal “content” I guess. Once a week I have to pick a chore in this pod and do it. I guess Wednesday is my night so at 11:30 PM I have to sweep and mop the pod. I would say that the linoleum part where all of the eating tables are is about the size of a basketball court, the whole pod is probably the size of two basketball courts without the cells. The cells are about half the size of the hamster room in the basement of 4419 and they surround the pod. I think there is fifty or so cells. So it shouldn’t take me too long to sweep and mop it, it just sucks that I have to wait until 11:30. Every Wednesday there is the facility inspection, I think I have mentioned it before, but anyways this pod failed this morning, I guess because the bathrooms on the second tier/floor were dirty. It sucks sharing a bathroom  with so many other people.

 

I was able to fall asleep from like 6:30 to 7:30 so that was helpful and then I just have tomorrow and then I should be able to sleep in having Friday and Saturday off. I am a Baker now I suppose it is better than being a cook but everyday we make seriously 1000 rolls 1000 cookies and tons of cake. I am on my feet from 4:30 AM to around 1:00 PM with only brief breaks for eating. With the “shoes” they give (IE) generic Velcrow high-top Converse, my feet are really sore by the end of my shift.

 

I filed my nails earlier and was surprised that it actually kind of works and was  relieved to not have to deal with supper long nails anymore. I want to write Beak another letter but haven’t yet, may-bee tomorrow afternoon. There is a flyer on the bulletin board of this pod for some kind of writing program where I would write like one to ten pages then they would get sent to a “mentor” at CSU, they read them, comment on them and then give ideas or suggestions and then send it back, so I think I will do that tomorrow or on my days off. I think I already have a pretty good idea of how I am going to start it. It was a quote from Nietzsche but I can’t find it right now, I must not have highlighted it. Anyway it had something to do with desire and love and how that it was more the wanting that was loved than the actual beloved. I hope I can find it but if not, I find others while looking for it. I found a bunch that sparked just as many ideas as that one had so I don’t think I will have trouble getting some decent stuff onto the paper. Then I just send it and hope that the “mentor” is a chick and falls in love with me. It’s pretty simple really.

 

Anyway I love you guys so much and for the meantime lets all just pretend that I am off serving time for my country and not this crappy county.

 

 

                                                                                                Tons of Love,

                                   

                                                                                                Your Son and Brother

                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                        Tom

 

P.S.

Tell me more about this chick in your classes Beak. We can just tell her that I served time for my country as-well and then just say ooh, oops! Did I put an r in there?

 

                                                                                                Love you Guys!

Preceding and Subsequent to Court Proceedings

Letter 2 0f 13 to Mom from jail

 

 

Tuesday 02-26-08      

9:00pm

 

Today has kind of been a downer day. I am not sure why it just has. I don’t want to be in here anymore. I’ve done my time, I’ve paid my dues, I’ll be good, I promise. I know that every day I am in here is actually healthy for me, but I am already sick of Lent! I want a Diet Pepsi and a Cigarette. I hope I don’t smoke when I get out. I know I will want to, I already do. I got a letter from Mom today. It was a really nice card with a picture of a cool old sail ship. She wrote that it was like me a great vessel coming into harbor to get fixed before heading back to sea. It made me tear up thinking of you walking along the beach clutching my beanie. I love You, and that hat. I started a new book today and I am really enjoying it. I am already more than half done. It is called “Meditations” By: Marcus Arilius, the ancient Roman Caesar from around the year 150 A.D. It is pretty much just a bunch of aphorisms or prose written to himself as to how life should be lived. It reminds me of my blog or of what I would like my blog to be. I just hope that I can take all of his advice and whatever else I learn in hear and actually use it and follow through with what I know is best for me. It is just hard to stick with it when I get discouraged. I really need to quit drinking for myself not for anyone else otherwise it won’t happen. I need to start doing everything for myself instead of being forced to. On another note I ordered $40 worth of “Canteen” today. It is quite a bit of food but not like I went to the grocery store.  I also order two pens a highlighter, a pad of normal writing paper, some Irish Spring, deodorant and a bowl for all of the Ramen soup I ordered. I won’t get any of it until Friday. I also like the novel papers you sent me. It is hard for me to come up with any fake characters. I had written a lot about the last time I was in here November 2007 but it got erased off of my computer a couple of weeks later. I am still bummed about that because I think it was a great rendition. I don’t think that I will write any kind of story or wordy descriptions while I am in here but I am sure I will when I get out. I am looking forward to more of those novel pages. I should at least scribble down ideas to be written about latter. I feel as though I am thinking more clearly and am feeling healthier but I am still pretty nervous about my near and distant future. Mainly the near future but I know however this next year goes will have a huge impact on my distant future. I think and hope for the best. I have to make that the case.

 

 

Wednesday 02-27-08

8:50pm

 

I just finished my book “Meditations” I Really liked it; I will probably buy it when I get out.  I worked out again today, one hundred sit ups sixty pushups sixty arm dips and three minuets of leg lifts. I break it up into four sets of twenty five, fifteen, fifteen and forty five Mississippi’s of leg lifts. The sit ups are the hardest. Today started out pretty good but somehow around 2:00pm I started getting discouraged again. I am ready to leave. I am not sure what I did so wrong to get in here. I only get discouraged when I think of the what ifs or whys. What if I am in here for a really long time, why am I in here… The “Meditations” book was good for those types of thoughts. Marcus Arilius kept telling himself that he could not control the past or the future all he could control was his present state of mind. I need to work on that and not let myself dwell in the past and future but it’s kind of hard because the present isn’t that great. It is crazy how time reverses roles in jail. Normally on the “outs” there isn’t enough time to do what you want or have to do but in jail there seems to be way too much time in the day, the week the month and even the hour with nothing to do. I remember lying on my bed in your living room watching my television “friends” come and go weekly and started to realize how I hadn’t done anything for quite awhile and how fast the weeks were moving by. I have now officially been in here just over a week and it felt like more has happened in this past week than in my previous months. Not because I have been busy by any means. I think it is because I have been forced to entertain myself by trying not to entertain the thoughts of whys and what ifs. I doesn’t seem like I am getting enough food anymore, I am always hungry, and it will be nice when I get some Ramen on Friday. I ordered a lot but I still have to show some discipline in order to make it last. I think I ordered enough for three a day. The hunger think is probably just another mind game. I am “hungry” for some flavor, for something to chew, for something… anything. The mind part of this is the hardest for me. Really it has only been ten days and a month, two even six is not that long but somehow jail screw up my perception of time, maybe it is something they put in the food. I read the paper everyday front to back every word even the stupidest article in the many that the Coloradoan publishes. It makes me wish you still had your column. I am sure it would give a laugh but it might also get me in trouble with the guards or other inmates. Anyway back to the paper. I guess like forty or fifty inmates got sick from Friday nights “chili” The health department has been to the jails kitchen and is investigating as to why. Also in the paper daily is a trial for a lady accused of killing her affairs wife. She is currently housed here at LCDC. Fuck! How did I get all tangled up in this place, city, county…? Oh-well I just have to tell myself that I put myself in here and that I will get out and stay out.

 

 

Thursday 02-28-08

8:30pm

 

I had a pretty good day today. I woke up, had breakfast then went back to sleep until 11:00. That is when everyone has to back to their cells and “Lockdown” for an hour before lunch is served. Everything was going well enough; I pretty much just watched television until 4:00pm, another lockdown time until dinner at five. I read for that hour. I started reading Benjamin Franklins Autobiography last night. It is okay so far but I do hope that it gets better. Then at dinner I got my try and coo-laid and sat in my inmate assigned spot. I had just started to eat when a deputy called my name “Kramer” he told me to go into the conference room with my try and that my lawyer was here to speak with me. The meeting started out with him just explaining my rights to a hearing where the district attorney would have to prove that I did indeed violate the terms of my probation. A no brainer. So he told me that the D.A.’s offer was a year to a year and a half in prison or a year to a year and a half in the halfway house! Holy Fuck! What did I do?! I started to tell the lawyer about the original charge and how it happened. I guess they don’t really look back at what happened they just look at the conviction and then deal from there. He said that he will talk to the D.A. tomorrow and se if she’ll (I guess she’s a chick) take a deal for like 90 days or so in here LCDC with no probation afterwards! What a deal! I don’t see how my potential future could be so so so night and day. That would be ideal but if she doesn’t take that then all I am left with is open sentencing. I guess that means that both sides the peoples and mine get to try and sway the judge to there own preference as to what is to happen to me. Then he (the judge) chooses my fate witch could include any of the following. 1. Regular Probation 2. ISP Probation 3. Community Corrections i.e. the halfway house or 4. Prison. The lawyer said he didn’t think the judge would give me prison time. I hope not. So the lawyer said that he would talk to the D.A. tomorrow then to me, most likely right before or during court which means I may have to make a quick descision. I hope that it is the right one. I hope even more so that they have some fair options. So all of that kind of ruined dinner witch I had to finish in my cell during yet another lockdown from 5:45 to 6:15 during the changing of the guards i.e. shift change. My long awaited commissary comes tomorrow so maybe that will give me some comfort before court at 1:30pm if it goes well/my way, meaning that the D.A. bites on our deal then I will most likely try to ride out my time in jail, but if it goes poorly I will probably have Jon bail me out on Saturday. I guess I just have to hang light and strong until then. This too shall pass.

 

 

Friday 02-29-2008

3:40pm

 

I got all of my Canteen today, I had ordered like $40 worth which is actually quite a bit of Top Ramen. I also got my pens, paper, deodorant, which was needed and my soap. I am using one of the two pens I got right now but the other is already missing. I haven’t asked my cell mate yet but I am pretty sure that I will never see it again. I am not using my real paper because I wanted to finish this sheet up. I also got coffee with my Canteen which amped me up for court, or maybe it was just nerves. I got so much Canteen it was awkward receiving it in front of the other inmates, a lot of them didn’t get anything all of them watching me carry my fat forty sack into my cell. After lunch I didn’t even have time to brush my teeth before my name was called to go to court. So I hurriedly put some toothpaste in my mouth and was transported in shackles to the court house. I was escorted up to court room 4A and sat down. The public defender, my Lawyer came in and said he hadn’t spoke to the D.A. yet and just sort of asked me if I understood what we had spoke about last night. Of course1 I understood all night! I assured him I did and he went to speak with the D.A. There are a lot more details that I am leaving out because for some reason I don’t feel much like writing. I should however just do it while they are fresh in my mind. Anyway he came back and said the D.A. had agreed to the ninety days and then terminating the case! I said that that was great. I signed all of the papers, stood in front of the judge and received my sentence. I sincerely thanked the Judge, the D.A. and my public defend how had seem to do more for me in two days than Andy B-trand did in two years for the bargain price of $2500. I was then transferred back to my home for the next month or so at the LCDC. I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders! No more than 79 days from now I will be free! I will most likely get out before then with “Goodtime” especially if I become an inmate worker. With that title and a job in the jail I would receive one day for every three served potentially getting rid of a substantial amount of days. But that process takes a couple of weeks. It is still going to suck but I feel really good about the whole situation. Yeah!

 

 

Friday 02-29-2008

8:00pm

 

Okay, the pens I got are already kind of a problem. I told my cell mate that he could help himself to one of them seeing as how I have two but another guy asked me at dinner how many I had and if he could borrow one and I agreed seeing as how I have two. But again a little while after dinner I found myself once again pen less. I didn’t feel like writing at that moment and had no other use for one but found myself unsatisfied none the less. I just want there to be one of my pens around incase I do want to use it, or even just to sit on my little shelf ensuring me that if one pen is lost than I have another. I am not sure how to remedy this problem in the near future so if it persists than I will most likely order two more on Tuesday the fourth and receive them a week from today. They are only fifty cents, cheap seeing as the Top Ramen is sixty five. I learned how to play spades this morning, I guess it is a must know for jail, for I remember last time I was in here the fact being expressed to me when asked to play and my response “I don’t know how” I didn’t learn back then and hadn’t until this morning because I was too afraid to socialize with the other inmates in that manner. When asked this morning I said yes because it was my previous cell mate Marcus “the big black dude” that asked me, and he seems like a good guy to have on your side in here. I was nervous and my hands trembled while trying to shuffle the deck but I caught on soon enough and it was somewhat fun. It passed the time a little more quickly than just sitting there does. It can be a two or four person game with teams when four are involved. I was Marcus’ partner. I guess we did well winning twice in the same number of games played in around one hour. Now knowing how to play presents another problem in the jail social scene for someone is always looking for a fourth. I am comfortable enough playing with Marcus but I don’t really want to branch out and play with others. I would much prefer to stay in my cell and read. I am almost done with the autobiographical part of Ben Franklin’s book which I found in the library but there are still a lot of pages left in the whole book. Part Two “Other Writings” I enjoyed the first part for it talked about morals and living a virtuous, something that I want to do. I haven’t been writing down unknown or interesting words found in the books that I have been reading to bee looked up and hopefully used later, a practice I normally partake in while reading on the outside mainly because I haven’t wanted to pause and scribble the words down and I haven’t wanted to mark these jail books up anymore than they already are. I now have a highlighter to do so, so when/if I ever get books that are truly mine than I can quickly highlight them to bee written down and looked up once the book is finished, thus not disturbing my concentration from the “story” or meaning of the text. It is unfortunate that I haven’t written down these words or quotes in the books that I have already read for they contained many powerful ones. Maybe that is a practice that I should resume. I always feel bad when marking in books even if they are mine but I find it useful in coming up with writing topics so long as I actually transpose the highlighted sentences, quotes or words from book to paper or computer. Paper is best for words for it helps me with my spelling something that I need considerable work on as well as remembering the definition. Although not physically written down some of what I have read has remained in my mind as I can tell by the very nature of this letter. Written with very matter-o-fact sayings and wording which I have picked up from Ben Franklins own writing. I also remember some of the more powerful quotes that I have read thus far. “Happiness can not be pursued it must ensue.”  Dr. Viktor E. Frankl in “Mans Search for Meaning” I am sure that there are more up there but I see no need to rack my brain at this moment. During the course of this letter I have once again found myself in possession of two pens.

 

 

Saturday 03-01-2008

5:45pm

 

At 5:45pm or 15:54 as the guars call it, there is another lockdown for shift change. This one generally lasts a half an hour compared to the other two lasting twice that. Today has been pretty uneventful. I had a hard time falling asleep last night either from the tea I drank at 8;00pm or nerves, probably a little bit of both. The tea is really good and hits the spot at night but I have to try to not drink it in the evening for it is not worth the tossing and turning later on in the night. I enjoy having a cup and writing and tend to only write at night because my cell mate sleeps until lunch. I finished the Autobiographical part of Ben Franklin’s book last night and as I projected it ended abruptly and from reading the forward I guess it was because he started to being too involved in the revolutionary war to continue. It stopped with thirty years of his life being unrecorded by his own hand. It was good but I wish like I am sure others do that he could have found the time to complete it. The other part of the book goes from interesting to not very about every other page. It mainly consists of letters he wrote to various correspondents. I have about one hundred pages left and my goal is to finish it tomorrow for I have one more book checked out from the library I would like to read before I receive any from Jon or Mark. I have been trying to read one hundred pages a day which actually only like three hours and I am normally awake for at least sixteen. Maybe I should reduce the number of pages for I will be here for quiet some time and would rather find myself reading less of a good book than more of an uninteresting one.  I think when I do receive my own books that I will slow down and try to write about what I have read for all of the books that I told Jon to get me a philosophical and can potentially take/invoke a lot of thought. So that is a good thing. I don’t want to return any of the books that I have read so far so that I may go back to them for reference but I am afraid of having more than five in my cell at one time, the maximum per the inmate handbook. My food has presented its first problem today. My old cell mate Marcus Holiday asked my if I would trade a couple of soups for some “trays” meaning dinner trays. I told him that I didn’t want “trays” (mainly for fear of getting in trouble by one of the guards but also just because I would rather have my soups.) I ended up giving him two soups for some cookies which I don’t even really want for I have better cookies Grandmas peanut butter cookies but I made the deal anyways mainly as before just to have him on my side. This giving away of the soups however can not continue for I decided last night that my suppose to be one week supply could, should and would be a two week ration. I think I will buy stamps on Tuesday for I think I will begin to write more people letters and these daily entries to you are beginning to be quite long. Enough so that I am not sure that one stamp will be enough to carry their weight all the way to California. I am supposed to get two mailings going out each week without providing postage so if these letters remain lengthy I may turn it from a bi-weekly to a weekly affair. That may make it easier for you to read them as well. Instead of the twenty some pages it should be about half that. I do wish that the mail traveled faster for it seems that you have yet to receive my last letter sent some five days ago. I hope that it got mailed or that it finds it way back to me. I also feel sorry for whoever has to screen these lengthy letters, unless the guards are as bored as us inmates, whom I think at some times they are.

 

 

Sunday 03-02-2008

11:00am

 

I just got moved from my old POD to South Frank. It is a much bigger pod with around forty four cells and a lot more people. I had been in this pod the last time I was in jail. The televisions are a lot bigger as well as the cells. As of now I have my own cell again but I am sure that will change. I got all of my stuff moved in and organized and am now locked down before lunch at which point I will have to find an open seat at a table to sit at. That always makes me kind of nervous. This pod gives you headphones to listen to the television or the radio, I haven’t tried them yet but they are a welcomed change.

 

5:45pm

 

I went out of my cell after lunch to watch some television but it turns out that the battery in my headphones was dead so I returned to my cell finished my work out from this morning and also finished the Ben Franklin book. I am glad I read it but I am also glad that it is done with. Now I am going to read “Man for Himself” An Inquiry to the Psychology of Ethics by: Eric Frome. It could be really good or it could be really bad. I hope for the former for it is pretty long. It sounds like a sleeper but I actually enjoy reading that kind of stuff. After lunch more inmates were moved into the pod. I was read the Sunday paper from cover to cover at one of the tables in the middle of the pod and watching to see who if anybody was headed towards SF17. Indeed someone was it was a huge black dude twice if not tree times the size of Holiday. Holiday was shorter but total muscles this guy is just plain huge but he seems very mild mannered and easy to get along with. His name is Casper like the ghost. I am not 100 percent sure why he is in here “jail” but it seems that he has some addiction problems like myself. I guess his are with Cocaine, I told him that I had struggled with that as well but thankfully broke away from its grip. He asked me how and I told him that I didn’t know other than my mom helped me. Thanks Mom! Just speaking with Casper briefly has me more open to the programs they have in here like A.A. and addiction recovery skills. I guess I can give it a try. I am not real big on A.A. and the twelve step and Christian stuff but I can at least try, the only thing better I have to do is read and all of the books I have been reading talk about morals and being virtuous, something that for me does not coincide with my actions when I am drinking. Anyways enough of that stuff I found out last night that they (they guards) only mail letters for free if you don’t have money on your books which I do so anything I mail I will have to put a stamp on. I didn’t buy any last Tuesday because I didn’t think I need them but I will buy a book this Tuesday and receive them Friday. I was able to get one last night by trading a soup so that I can mail this letter tomorrow. Jon told me that you got my last one. Yeah! I also got a stamp today from Casper for a “shot” of coffee. Everybody in here uses slang and has their hands down their pants.

 

 

Anyways,

 

 I Love You Tons                                      Tom