Mail Screened at LCDC
Letter Five of Twelve to Mom From Jail
Thursday
03-13-08
4:20 PM
I guess this is officially the longest I have ever been in jail. Last time in 2006 I was only in for twenty two days and today marks my twenty fourth. I sat down and wrote out all of the things that I wanted to ask the lawyer as well as everything that I have done so far. I felt pretty good about that and hope that it will help him to make a deal with the D.A. It is kind of like that game Deal or No Deal where you have to guess if it is a good deal or not. I haven’t really got too down today so that is good. At work we thought we were done at 9:00 AM and we were all cleaned up but then realized that we had to make some 500 more rolls so that sucked. It was kind of like being told that you were getting out of jail and then out of nowhere something happened making you have to stay. My arms are all shaky from working out so it is kind of hard to write. The backs or tops of my hands are getting a rash. They are super red and kind of burn; I think it is from the chemicals in the dishwater at least I hope that that is all it is. I received my two twenty four ounce Diet Pepsi’s today, they are unfortunately flat like they have sat in the basement for a couple of years, not crisp how they should be. It is still fairly good though and I don’t think that too many people saw me receive them. I have been pretty good about rationing my canteen but the Diet Pepsi goes really fast so I will most likely be out tomorrow. I guess that it is my weekend so I will get to sleep in tomorrow, but will probably get up at 6:15 for breakfast and then go back to sleep. Being able to eat more while at work has helped my hunger situation but I don’t think that any of the food is very healthy and I don’t want my belly to get any bigger, or even worse used to eating the double trays as to depend on them to not be hungry. I guess I am settling into work a little more but everyday my feet hurt really bad, not even just sore it is like the bones on the bottoms of my feet are bruised. I haven’t been reading hardly at all the past few day’s maybe fifty pages, I think it is because I don’t like the book, Plato’s “Republic” and because it is so loud in here and having my mind constantly running is circles doesn’t help either. I want to finish it and hopefully soon so that I can start another better book, only two hundred and fifty pages to go. I also want to write Beak, Beatrice, Paul and that CSU mentor thing. So much to do and so little time… Not really, I just have to slow my mind down, there is no rush I wish there was but I suppose there isn’t. I feel pretty bad about how I am not contributing at all to the family. All I am really doing is taking $ 1000 for the Lawyer $ 100 a month for car insurance, not paying rent not helping at all. I guess it is a little late. I wish I would have done more and could do more. I also worry about when I get out how I am going to help the family i.e. you, I have dug a pretty big hole and need to get out of it and then start helping instead of just sinking deeper and deeper or just playing catch up. Hopefully this time in here is helping me to “grow up” It is certainly making me think of others i.e. you Jon and Beak instead of myself. It is time for me to finish this crap so that I can start helping instead of just being a drain.
9:45 PM
I got your card today, the one with the ship on it. It’s really cool! I like that it is an old fashioned sailboat I wonder what we should name it.
Friday
03-14-08
11:00 AM
Sleeping in today was nice even just until 6:30 AM. I went back to bed after my cornflakes and coffee. I “slept” until around 10:00 when commissary/canteen got here. All of my stuff seemed to be there; fourteen soups two hot sauces, dandruff shampoo, shower shoes which are just flip flops but I am glad I got them because the showers in here are gross. They were way better in South Frank, much cleaner and bigger. I also received a small bag of Atomic Fireballs, another pad of this yellow paper and I guess that is it. I know that I had ordered more tea but I also know that I screwed up the order on the bubble sheet so I didn’t get that. That sucks because I really enjoy that part of my day. I have four bags left but I was excited for the ten more because then I potentially could have had two cups a day. Damn. It is always the little things that make the biggest difference. The rash on my hands is a lot better today so it definitely has something to do with the kitchen. So I need to find out what it is and then steer clear of it. I was able to clear my mind enough to read and actually retain what I had read and even enjoyed “The Republic” I think that it is because I spoke to you about the lawyer. It is still really easy to get caught up and carried away with all the worrying though. I got your letter today about not drinking and stuff and I think that is what I was trying to get at last night about not helping. I am not a kid anymore so I need to stop acting like one. I also got a letter from Jon today so that was cool. He had written it on the back of a math test that I had asked him for so that I can keep my mind functioning and growing. But he had also written that the DMV had revoked my drivers’ license. Gees! It is just one crappy thing after the other it will be nice when I finally get some good news. I don’t know why they would have sent uncle Marks book back, they are supposed to tell me if they refused something that somebody else had sent me and they never did. I guess Jon had sent me some graph paper and I got a note from the jail saying that I couldn’t have it because it is considered contraband. I guess they don’t want inmates to be able to graph anything. I always forget to ask you on the phone to send me some kind of cool book mark, even just your business card would be a good one. I am not sure what 9news is saying but the days are starting to look nicer. I think once it starts to be really nice I will go outside for the first time and get some fresh air. When we failed the pod inspection the other day the sergeant said that the air in here is 30% recycled but I bet it is more like 70%. It is like its own ecosystem of stale bacteria air and I guess that is whey they (the guards) are so insistent on keeping the jail clean because they have to breathe the air as well. Everybody I have spoken to says that Judge Stirman is the worst. So that sucks as well. I had crazy dreams last night about being in jail. I am not sure if that is a good thing or not, at least I was sleeping well. I added another step to my work out routine today because everything I was doing was only working out my shoulders and triceps so I decided to use the bunk bed to hold myself up for sixty seconds at a time. I think this will help to strengthen my biceps. Pull ups would be a lot better but there isn’t really anywhere to do those so this will have to work for now. I should be doing squats and stuff too but I don’t really want to.
4:30 PM
So I just finished meeting with Daniel Quinn, Jon’s and I guess now my Lawyer. However I don’t really feel relieved like I thought I might. It was good to talk to him and he listened to everything I said but the whole meeting just seemed to reiterate that I am not going to get out of this place anytime soon. Hope is not completely lost for a “good” outcome because he has not spoken with the D.A. yet and I also haven’t been sentenced. The hope is that he was trying to prep me for the worst case scenario, but I actually think he prepped me for all of the possible scenarios. His hopes seem to be a lot bleaker than mine, so I guess I have been kind of holding onto hope instead of resolving myself to the fact that the next half year of my life my be spent in here. So it is nice to have someone on my side but it seems that I may still have to talk to the court anyways. Daniel told me like others had that both the judge and D.A. were pretty stern and he didn’t think that the D.A. would budge from his deal, so he thinks that is best to have me talk and let the judge here for himself my good qualities and not just those that put me in here.
5:10 PM
The begging of your story is true and funny with the truck loads of beer. Anyway the first night in here I read a book called “It Could Never Happen to Me” It was an information book written by a therapy lady intended for the families, friends and Alcoholics themselves. It talked about that Alanon program A.A. and families and stuff. It sucks pretty bad thinking that I am the guy, the one that tears the family apart so others have to go help programs as well. I am glad that you found that book because I believe that it helps and treatment stuff too. It just sucks being the reason that you found it again. I guess I need to come to terms with that stuff but I am still partly saying that “It Could Never Happen to Me” but here I am. The book also talked about the children of Alcoholics, so I guess I got a double whammy. Poor me. Anyway I imagine that you and Beak are hanging out right now or maybe she is sleeping on the couch with her crunchy. I want to try and talk to her and may call tonight but it has to be when I am feeling good and strong. Your letter made me tear up today at least the end did. Just saying how much you love me and stuff. I am really lucky to have all of the support that I do. You had wrote it on the Sunday before my court date on Monday the 10th and had probably just read the one I wrote the previous Sunday when I was all excited about getting out on the 20th of April. I thought the worst was over but it seems to just keep coming. I guess the worst will be over once I have been sentenced and for sure of my punishment. Again. Anyways I love all of you guys and can’t wait to see you when I am no longer in here. I don’t really want to think about when that may be.
Saturday
03-15-08
8:00 PM
I guess that I didn’t do a very good job ordering commissary/canteen because it appears that I will run out of deodorant and soap (Irish Spring) and most likely coffee as well. Or might just bee really close, I could run out of all three Thursday night which would fine so long as I order those three items as well as more tea. I have been in a fairly good mood today if you can call it that, I haven’t been skipping around the pod singing or whistling or any of those things that one typically does while in a good mood. I just haven’t been dwelling on my less than fortunate situation. I am not sure how to feel about returning to work tomorrow. I am not looking forward to the early wake up (4:30 AM) but am sort of looking forward to the extra food. I keep thinking that today is Sunday which has been throwing my calculations off all day. Jon Had sent me a math test a few days ago and I started to do some of the problems today until they got to be too difficult. You have to ease into those kinds of things, anyway I enjoyed doing them and even think that I could feel my brain working on something different rather than just reworking the same problems over and over again. I worked out today but it didn’t feel right. It didn’t hurt but it was somewhat uncomfortable for not my muscles but my bones and joints. Huh? Maybe I pushed too hard so I may take tomorrow off from working out but who knows? I got a card from you today. The one with the piers and the birds, I am not sure if I understand it but it is a funny picture. I thought that the birds coming back every year was supper cool and hope that you guys got to see them and that they kept their lugees to themselves. It was great to talk to Beak last night and I am going to try and call later tonight after “Laundry Exchange” I was going to say that I hadn’t read yet today but I guess I actually did in the morning. Man the days drag when you are just trying to count them down. Well I guess laundry is here so…
8:45 PM
Somebody was whistling during laundry exchange. (He must have been having a good day) This guy is always whistling, anyways the guard got pissed and said that he was not going to turn the TV’s back on for the rest of the night and that we could thank the whistler. It doesn’t really bother me for I am not sure if I would have watched anything anyways but I am sure that a lot of people are pissed. One of my previous cell mates, the guy after “Holiday” “Playboy asked me who was whistling and without thinking I pointed over in the direction of the guy who I thought had been whistling so I guess I am now a snitch, damn! From what I hear not many people like snitches in here, not even the guards. Well while I was writing the past few sentences we got locked down. I am not sure why and will probably never find out I just hope that it does not last long. Even though I mainly just hang out in my cell I still like having the option to leave. Sometimes it is easy to forget that this is jail and not just a crappy camp for everybody seems cool enough but for the most part it always feels like jail. Especially during these unannounced lockdowns, I think that they generally mean that to guys were “chesting up” or doing the “Chicken Dance” i.e. getting in to each others faces and or fighting or it could be two of the chick inmates fighting or the guard could just be having a bad day as well and wanted to punish everybody. I don’t think that that is the case but who knows he did turn the televisions off. I guess there are some pretty “bad” dudes in here. Casper had told me that he had done twelve years for attempted murder, and there have been other guys facing a lot of prison time housed right next to me. So it is really hard to tell who is one of the “bad Guys’ and who just got caught up in the same unfortunate circumstances as my self. I am not sure that I care or even want to know either way. I just hope that the guard lets us out so I can make some soup. Me so hungy. I tried to call you and Beak right after laundry exchange but got no answer, I wonder where you guys are? Probably having a cool dinner somewhere or maybe walking down by the water. I haven’t written anything down for that CSU mentor thing, I am not really sure as to why it just seems as though every time I am feeling creative or coming up with good sentences or ideas I am try to sleep or taking a shower or doing something else. I always tell myself that I will remember them but as of yet I can only remember the ideas and the cleaver ways of writing them down. Anyways it looks like we are locked down for the rest of the night so I suppose I will read and try to fall asleep. I want to use the litter box and get some water to make even cold soup but I don’t want to get in trouble either. I can’t find the original quote I had wanted to use for that CSU thing but this one is kind of good as well. “Our body is but a social structure composed of many souls” Fredrich Nietzsche “Beyond Good and Evil” Well at least it will be quiet tonight.
Sunday
03-16-08
2:00 PM
“Work” wasn’t so bad today and either my feet are getting used to standing on the concrete floor or they were just fully recovered from the two days off. They still hurt but not nearly as bad as they have on previous days. I keep thinking that today is Monday but I guess not I know that it is only one day but it makes a huge difference. I haven’t been able to get a hold of anyone, i.e. you Beak or Jon, not that I need to but it is just nice to talk sometimes. It sucks knowing that it is Sunday and everybody is out having fun or at home relaxing as I would be if I would be if I wasn’t locked up. I read that a crane collapsed in New York on 51st street and 2nd Ave. isn’t that where Damon lives or Mara and Beatrice? 52nd Street? Oh-well I hope everyone is okay which I am sure they are I am just glad that beak is with you and not sleeping a Damon’s’ on 52nd street. Well I suppose that I will work out and read even though I am not too excited about either but there seems to be nothing on T.V. that I am interested in and don’t really want to see if the twenty guys out there will let me channel flip. I guess today is most likely one of those lazy dog days.
Monday
03-17-08
9:20 PM
I finished my book “Republic” by Plato today. I actually really enjoyed it. It is definitely easy to get side tracked and lost while reading it but when I was able to concentrate without concentrating too much it was really interesting. I was able to relate a lot of the text to the philosophy course I took a few years back, so I think that helped me understand more fully this time around. We didn’t read it in that class but it seems as though the teacher Samantha Bankston was teaching us about Plato directly from his work in the “Republic” That teacher was something else! She was really tiny and wore crazy clothing like Kristen’s’ friend Elena would. She is more of Jon’s’ age than mine and I suppose supper smart for she was going to go to some university in the Midwest to pursue a P.H.D. in philosophy the following semester. So I imagine that there would be no winning arguments with her. I wish I could somehow track her down and show just far I have come by sending her symposiums from jail. I am sure that she would be thoroughly impressed. JK. Anyways today was another “normal” day in jail but kind of out of nowhere I decided to go to an A.A. meeting, I am glad that I went but I am still on the fence as to if I will continue to go to them. It was pretty heavy on the God stuff which I can get over easy enough but despite all I have been through or am still going through and what I have put you and the rest of the people that love me, and I am sure that it will pain you to read but I still want to drink. The meeting kind of helped with that as well. The speaker was strait forward and said that he still wanted to as well, and he had a lot of catchy proverbs that made a lot of sense. I am drawing a blank right now as to even just one of them but they were good. Anyways it is fairly late and I still need to shower and eat some soup and I want this go out tomorrow seeing as how it is already a day late, so I will just say that I love you and miss you.
Tom
