Letter Nine of Thirteen to mom from jail
Mail Screened AT LCDC
Monday
04-07-0-8
5:20 PM
Without anything exciting to write about I thought I would stick with describing some of the county issued utensils in here. You have already heard about the sporks and I believe that I covered most of their varieties. Another item is the mug of witch I mentioned two of the tree types; the supper crapy 6oz Styrofoam, the crapy 6oz plastic in black or vanilla, and the coveted “Thug Mug” in brown or Vanilla. The Thug Mugs are made of a thicker less brittle plastic and seem to hold more liquid maybe 8oz’s but I am not sure. The look less crapy and help to keep warm beverages warm for a longer period of time. So walking around with it I feel as though I have moved up in this society. Not really. There are many ways to acquire a Thug Mug most dishonestly but I am proud to say I got mine opposite of that. Because these mugs are sought after you have to watch it as closely if not more so than your spork. Most inmates mark theirs in some way, mainly with the squiggly stickers that are the edges left over from a book of stamps. I haven’t marked mine yet and I haven’t seen anyone who has marked theirs with an actual stamp but I am undecided if I should mark mine in such a way for fears of it being blatant. Stating “hey” I have enough to through stamps away” I wonder what my Irish buddy would advise me. I told Kristen about him in a letter, He reminded me of the crazy guy in “Brave Heart” He was taken to prison this morning for an F5 Criminal Trespass. In addition to the Thug Mug there is a bowl, however these are only obtained from Canteen and only by luck for most of them are flimsy. These bowls are even more rare than the mugs. I am the proud owner of both! My Irish buddy hooked me up…
Anyway, it was off and on snowy today. It looks beautiful outside even tho my only view is that of a dock of an industrial building. None of the snow stuck but for awhile it was really coming down. A good evening for warm tea. Work had been business as usual and we finished early at 9:00 AM and I thought that we would get to go back to the pod so I got my hopes up for that only to find out that a deliver truck was here and needed to be unloaded. So most everyone in the kitchen myself included stood around for two hours only to watch four others bring in two or three carts into the freezer. I unfortunately let that sour my mood. Right before we were going to “Roll the Line” (i.e) load all of the trays with food for the other inmates in the jail) a Code was called and we were all sent back to the pod and locked down.
This lockdown didn’t last long maybe twenty minuets and then the kitchen staff was sent back to finish lunch. The other three bakers and myself took the opportunity to stay in the pod by playing the baker card. I guess there are some benefits to this “profession”
There were contractor in the pod today installing conduit and wires for cameras. It was exactly the type of work I typically do. It didn’t really excite any emotions in me other than thinking how quickly the tides can change. I think I have kind of numbed myself to thinking too much about the near future meaning this up coming year or so, for it gets me uneasily anxious so I try to just focus on just getting out of here in the next month. I think the smartest thing for me to do would be to stay here and finish my degree so long as I could stay out of trouble, But first thing is to get out of here and remain moderately optimistic about my future.
Wednesday
04-09-08
5:30 PM
I was able to get a hold of Kristen earlier and that helped my spirits. I haven’t been too terribly down I just wake up bitter and find myself cursing others under my breath for what I consider to be stupid. Or cursing them because their breath stinks! How can some one go a week let alone thirty days without brushing, hasn’t anyone told this guy what his toothbrush is for? My mouth feels disgusting after just one meal. There is something about the food that makes it coat your teeth and mouth in a slick substance, I think I have talked about that before.
It was raining and started to hail when I was talking to Beak 4:30 my time 6:30 her time 3:30 your time and I don’t think that Jon has a time. I feel bad I haven’t been as diligent writing these journals everyday but I wrote Jon last night and mailed off his two birthday cards and a real letter. I was just trying to be funny through the whole thing and wish that I would have been able to write something more meaningful to wish him happy birthday. But I guess I wasn’t in the mood last night plus I don’t think he really likes that sappy stuff, but I still wanted to let him know that I love him and that he is a great older brother so maybe you can just pass that on for me. I told him that I was glad that he wouldn’t only be able to open his box of trinkets but mine as well. Trinkets Galore!
I think what has me in a funk is just what I am going to do when I get out. I kind of feel like all eyes are already on me. Not necessarily to screw up because I know that every one just wants the best for me, but it just seems as though now that I have been in here everyone has a worse opinion of me and are just playing the waiting game to start the gossip chain again. I don’t mean you and I am just being selfish thinking that “everybody” is out there thinking of me every second. It just seems that like for the first time life is not all fun and games. Why didn’t someone tell me earlier? Why didn’t I listen? I don’t want to listen but then I think of you and how much you have sacrificed for Jon Kristen and let alone me. It makes me want to help but knowing that I cant and wont be able to for awhile starts bothering me more. Its all quite overwhelming huh mom? How do you do it? I think both of us need more friends, real ones and more fun thing to do to keep us away from over worrying. Then all of that gets me worried as well. I don’t want to meet anyone new, I just want to sit in the living room with my already made/made up friends. Great so I got the Alcoholic and socially inept genes from Dad. I think that my time in here has been my most social in years, not because I am meeting new people and having fun but because I am always around them, there is no retreat and that has a bittering effect. I think me and Jon or anyone really would have come to blows by now had we had to live in such close quarters, so on top of each other. Its like having a roommate you don’t like times 100 then add the watchful eye of “god” just waiting for you to sin. i.e (forgetting to empty your trash can on inspection day)
Man its going to be nice to see something different than the oxymoronically calming blue cinder block walls and clanging metal doors. Its like smiling and nodding when the lady grunts and says “this should have been done hours ago!” and screaming fuck! Inside still smiling and nodding. I remember the first couple of weeks I was in here I read that “Mans Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankle who was a holocaust survivor and telling myself that I am not really suffering and I am really not but Fuck! This must be what its like being so pissed off at your kids that you just want to throw them across the room but you cant. You have to breath the bitter air and remain well beyond patient. Even when I find myself in a “good” mood I soon punish myself and ask what are you so happy about? Wow, I guess that’s what happens when I don’t write these journals daily. My emotions just pile up and ferment until I distil them threw my pen. Sorry mom I didn’t want this to be a worry downer letter I am actually fine I just needed to tell someone before my mind blew up like an illegal still in the woods. I wonder what the cops would do, I am sure they have seen it before and I don’t need to so I will just smile and nod.
Oh yeah, back to the “Mans Search for Meaning” book the author said that suffering wasn’t in the body or mind remaining in one spot but more like gas in a chamber spreading out through the whole space. I know that is not a happy thought but if it works for suffering than it must work for its opposite. So let both let whatever good things we have like each other spread throughout our bodies, minds and souls and I bet that all of that happy will drown out the “suffering” and worrying thus giving our chambers a breath of fresh air.
6:40 PM
Oops! I forgot this page too! So I will use it to tell you that I love you! And to thank you for “having my back” as the young hip kids are saying. The last letter I got from you was supper funny. You should send out an urgent email stating that you just broke the 5,000 email mark and that you will be “away” for a couple of days while you let them replicate onto your PC over your dial up connection Raja Butallywana at the IBM help desk wasn’t so helpful. Then use that time come up with more joke emails about not know what a server is. Anyways Mom thanks for writing. Despite what my letters may say I am fine. I love you and cant wait to see your kooky porch.
Love,
Tom
P.S.
This is only four pages but I am board tonight and want an excuse to write up an envelope and send some mail out. Plus It will be interesting to see when (what day of the week) you get this. I am guessing Tuesday the 15th six or so days from now. Anyway holler at you later!
