Letter Eleven of Thirteen
Mail Screened at LCDC
Wednesday,
April 16 2008
After being really nice out the past couple of days the weather appears to have changed, so no outdoor recreation today. That’s okay however because it is giving my muscles a chance to heal from Monday. They (The Guards) moved in what seems like a ton of new workers but I guess it’s only nine, other than those two things not much has happened. I got a letter today from you, there was an award inside for 30 days of not smoking and another novel writing worksheet. I liked both of them but was a little disappointed that there was no note, I guess I can’t be picky and I know that I will be getting more letters. I know that it can get tiresome writing seemingly the same thing every other day but I think whoever is on the other end still enjoys it. I haven’t received a letter from Uncle Mark ever since I sent him one a week or so ago. I wonder if he took something I wrote the wrong way, more than likely he’s just busy like everyone else. It has just started to snow after being grey all day so that’s kind of cool. It’s really coming down but none of it is sticking and I don’t think that it will. I bet it is really beautiful up the canyon but I have to remember that even if I wasn’t in jail I probably wouldn’t be up there anyway. I would most likely be working or driving the hour or so home from work. The days aren’t really moving any faster they are still pretty slow but I suppose that I have gotten used to this “Daily Grind” I guess that is good for now but in general I don’t want to become used to this place. I thinks its more that I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and after three years I am starting to even feel its rays. No probation, no U.A.‘s , no B.A.’s no one to answer to but myself. And even though I am scared or more so anxious I can tell that it will be really good for me. Now everything I do will be for myself, witch will force me to take responsibility for my life instead of just playing the same old game I have been for the past three years. Obviously the whole felony and probation thing has had a negative impact on my life and I can’t help but think and even believe that it has contributed to my social delinquency I.E. Alcoholism, more towards the worse than the better. The people (A lot of recovering addicts included) who say “I have no regrets, not one, everything I have done has made me who I am today, and I have no regrets.” Make me mad, not because they are comfortable with themselves but because they are comfortable lying to themselves. I am not bitter about it, everyone has their own opinion and feelings and that’s fine I just feel that those type of people are a lot less honest with themselves for the sake of appearing well to others. Oh-well everyone has their own way of hiding. Me, I have done plenty but I also think I have done some seeking.
On a different note, one of the guys that got out today “Snagle Tooth” left his books behind and one of them was “On The Road” by Jack Kerouac so I grabbed it. It will probably be a nice break from my philosophy book “Critique of Pure Reason” by Imanuel Kant. I have only read around 100 pages over the past week and while typically liking Kant’s writing I have found this particular work interesting but seemingly overly confusing just for the sake of being confusing, in fact confusing is pretty much the topic. He has been talking about understanding, intuition, perception… and about how thinking about those things lead your mind in circles. So imagine having the idea about being baffled then reading about how being baffled cant be understood and then trying to understand what you just read. Every time I put the book down I question to myself “What!?” followed by “Man, that’s some heavy shit!”
Thursday,
17 April 2008
8:46 P.M.
It is actually closer to 8:36 because for some reason I set the clock ahead, this “trick” has never worked for me. I always know that its ten minuets fast but for some reason it seems to work in here, getting me up and moving in the morning so that I can drink my coffee slightly slower than fast. I no longer wake up totally discouraged looking out the window and saying to myself “I have got to get the fuck out of here!” I guess I don’t exclaim it in my head, I more or less say it real seriously and calmly. That was a bad way to start everyday. I guess it just happened a few days ago but I have started to wake up and say to myself “21, 20, 19…” This is at least a more positive start to the early rising long lasting days that in my current mind set have become synonymous with Jail.
After I put my socks on I hop down from the top bunk and inevitably catch a glimpse of my “Smell Mate” and say to myself “You wired dirty fucker!” I can’t really think of anything or anybody worse to wake up to and have to see every morning but I am sure that they exist. I don’t let that daily repulsion sour my mood for very long and not two minuets from waking it’s gone for nearly 24 hours. I used to return from “work” as if not more discouraged than in the morning look out the window and repeat to myself “I have got to get the fuck out of here.” A hopeless thought that thankfully only plagued my head for a week or so, now I return from work, look out the window and wonder what the weather is like outside. Going outside and exercising really helps my mood. I was out for a couple of hours today playing basketball and working out on the “Jungle GYM” I was totally sore afterwards and it seems like a huge deal just climbing in and out, up and down from bed. I was beat and took a nap from around 5:00 P.M. until 7:00, I am still pretty tired but am in no hurry to exert the energy to climb up into bed. I started to read “On The Road” last night and loved it. I am only like forty or fifty pages into it but I am really glad that it found me. It already has me wanting to pick up and leave toNew York, but not hastily, maybe in like a year or so. I was originally going to describe the showers in detail when I sat down to write tonight because I didn’t think I had anything else to write about but apparently I was wrong. I am glad because I am sure that I will do a better job describing them later as apposed to forcing it out tonight.
Erinwrote me a real nice letter in response to one I had written her. It made me laugh and was definite pick me up. She is a real good girl and makes me question why I am so superficial as far as looks, and I don’t even really think that’s it. I’m just not gaga over her, maybe I didn’t give her a fair chance at my heart and not that I am going to or that she would even let me, She is just someone that I am certainly glad I met and being in here has made me appreciate her more than I ever did but probably still less than she deserves. Anyways, I jammed my finger not really really bad but just really bad while playing basketball today and it is kind of bothering me so I am going to give it a rest for tonight.
Sunday,
20 April 2008
5:15 P.M.
It is real easy to find yourself edgy in here, where even though you think you are alright and it’s just another day something is wrong, like your not balanced or balancing everything well enough and at any moment all of the china plates could come crashing to the floor. It feels as though marbles are hunting for my already throbbing heals. Like one false step or one breath not deep enough to shrug a normal life nothing away before I start throwing plates. That’s just how it feels and I think it has a lot to do with how much and what quality of sleep I get. Today has been one of those days, unbalanced from the beginning. I woke up on the same side of the metal cot I do every morning because the North side, presumably the “good side” is a wall of cold concrete with years past of other peoples buggers smeared on it and although there are no good days in here there are better and worse days and it appears that they choose what kind of day I will have before I even hop out of my cot. I was able to sleep at 1:30 P.M. until around 4:30 it was choppy broken sleep but that is the best you can hope for in here. So that helped a little and writing is also helping but I’ll be happier the further today travels into history. All of this has nothing to do with tomorrow (I don’t think) it just happens some days, like the outside world, you have bad days but bad days in here seem to have gone to bad day vocational school and are quite efficient at making the soul miserable. We’ll see maybe I will have a hop to my hurting step tomorrow. Staring at my calendar helps too but I think for the past couple of Sundays I have been looking a week ahead and saying to myself “Well next Sunday I will only have 24 days, 17 days, 10 days left…”
My dreams for the past couple of weeks have sucked. They are not wake up sweating nightmares but I have been dreaming about being in jail and breaking the rules in here and getting in more trouble. They are like normal dreams but along with people and experiences from the past. There are new people, jail people and jail situations. I learned on Discovery channel that dreaming or R.E.M. sleep is when you go through your memories and decide witch ones are important and witch ones are trash. I hope that these recent ones have been mostly trash because despite of knowing what sucks truly is that I don’t want to remember any of this. Maybe those guys who come in and stay all doped up on meds have figured out a good way to zone out the days. It is amazing what people can endure when knowing that there is nothing that can presently be done to change the situation and it is hard to believe that I was facing such a formidable wall of suck so stoically just fifty days ago. It is also weird how you catch yourself used to the sucky-ness. Hearing guys talk about two, five and ten year stents that they have already or are getting ready to serve as “not bad” is a depressing thought that makes me compassionate for them. But I suppose they have no other choice but to get used to it and unfortunately they seem to have done just that. I could never be a judge or on a jury that involved any kind of time whether sixty days in jail or five years in prison. I’d much rather let God, theirs, mine or none be their judge or jury for the power to make someone’s sun set and stay down is too much for me. Anyway tonight I think I will dream about how great all of my past birthdays have been and waking up to a table clothed in love and surrounded by those that I love and love me right back and I will go through those memories and strengthen what you have taught me the most about. Love and what it is and what it takes to be a good mom. If my kids get half of what you have given from their mom then they will turn out better than alright. They will turn out as your caring compassionate grand kids. Good job Mom! And thanks for being such a big part of who I am today. Sorry it got sloppy but the last paragraph was a tear jerker and there is no crying in jail so I scribbled it quickly and just pretended that I was snorting up some buggers instead of fighting back tears.
Love you,
Your turned out better than alright caring compassionate 25 year old loving son,
Thomas
